*this is long, but please read it all. And, just so you know I could have taken a shower but I decided to blog instead!*
Ok, so I know I said I needed to gather my thoughts before I posted, but I never did. I'm just gonna start typing and hope I don't sound like an idiot. After each of my babies was born I got a little bit blue. It starts as I drive away from the hospital. And, I can only guess it's because the pregnancy is over and all of the attention that was focused on me is now focused on a wrinkly smelly screaming little creature that I am head over heels in love with. Alot of it is exhaustion too. After a week or so I always think I'm in a routine and I have dodged the postpartum depression bullet. But, it rears it's ugly head and the days and nights are a blur and there are lots of tears. By month 3 I am good as new. However, this time it started the minute I found out I was pregnant and got progressively worse as I neared my due date. I knew the minute I found out that I would never be pregnant again and that finality was weighing on me. Because, I love me some babies but I am no Michelle Duggar and I am definitely not Octomom, maybe I'm somewhere in between? Anyway what I am trying to say is, babies are like a drug so to speak. They're intoxicating and soft and amazing and all these wonderful things that outweigh the crying and the poopy diapers and sleepless nights, but you can only have so many. They turn into people, with issues and drama, and stress and I want to be the best mom I can and my plate is full!
Anyways- I was a teeny bit excited and a whole lot scared shi*less. I had never really gotten over being blue when Hayden went off to kindergarten. Plus, I was so nearing freedom with Chan fixing to turn 18 and Hayden able to wipe his own butt and cook his own Kid Cuisines. I was TERRIFIED to have a baby. And, while I admit it was fun to do the whole Surprise! I'm pregnant announcement and belly shots, and buying all new baby goodies and whatnot- deep down I knew I was in for it. Thankfully, I stayed busy with my kids and the pregnancy progressed not too fast, not too slow. Let me stop here and say that during my pregnancy I worked really hard to keep up the facade that I was FINE and EXCITED even though I was sweating nails, often. I was also absolutely THRILLED to have another child, but the dark cloud of postpartum depression constantly loomed over everything.
Fast forward to labor and delivery. The whole time I was in labor I was praying silently in my head that I would dodge the blues. But, guess what? The second they whisked him off to the nursery for his group B strep tests (I was positive, remember?) I almost lost it. Even watching him get his bath an hour later I was standing at the nursery window watching the nurse suds him up and I was trembling and sweating. I really wanted to turn back time at that point. I was in LOVE but I was confused... The first few days home were filled with diaper changes, nursing, naps and endless visitors. I kept waiting for things to feel "normal" again. And, here I am almost 6 months later and guess what? I am a little better than I was that very first day, but not by much. Each day presents different challenges. In the very beginning I would get so frustrated and overwhelmed when Cam would cry. Seeing the laundry and dishes pile up would make me cry even more and my chest ache. Just the day to day of a sorta big family was kicking my butt and stressing me out, BAD! I can't tell you how many times I told Jon that I couldn't do it anymore and if things didn't change I was taking the baby and leaving. What frustrates me most is how I kept getting mad about things like my desk being full of mail or the fact that we had clean but not folded laundry. How silly of me! I have 5 beautiful children and am blessed beyond measure and I am fussing over laundry and unopened mail! But then, there were those same big kids and their fighting and endless stream of activities and school projects. Then, it seemed as if we would ALWAYS need groceries or diapers or milk or something. I'm not even touching on the "I'm a fat, ugly, terrible mom, loser." Or the "I suck at everything, no one loves me, I'm a worthless piece of crap" feelings that were always laughing at me from afar. To top it all off there were days when I felt like WonderWoman. Days when no one fought, homework was done, I cooked a decent dinner and had a chance to shower. I was and am still on a roller coaster ride of emotions. It is not fun. I am trying to feel better though and little things like not sleeping too much, a good long bath, a phone call with a good friend or a much needed scripture verse work wonders. I basically try many many little things each and every day to feel happy and "normal". I hope and pray each day that as soon as I finish nursing for good that my hormones will level out even more and I will feel 100%. I am absolutely GIDDY and BLESSED and in LOVE with my family although Jon and I have seen better days, but I am trying. I am oh so thankful for wise women who have been there both as a shoulder or an ear or those that have experienced the exact same things I am feeling now. I have complete faith in my Heavenly Father that I will get better and this experience is but a blip on my eternal radar and I can only hope that I am learning from this experience each day that passes. For sure makeup and a shower work wonders for me, and simply opening the blinds to let the sun shine in. So, that's it. I am sure I have left out so much, but I hope that at least one person can read this and relate or learn from my experience and if I can help one person in my shoes to smile or feel better then I have accomplished something today. Thanks for reading :)
8 comments:
I understand totally what you mean. Take it day by day was how I got through it.
I hope you get to feeling better soon and that there are more good days than bad!!
I can sorta relate. For a good long while I thought maybe I suffered from depression – but I had some signs, not all. It literally took me a few years (although I kinda knew, but chose to ignore) that it was the stressful life I was living that was causing it. I was under so much stress and was so determined to make others believe, even myself, that I could do it all. That’s the thing – once I started letting go of stuff (for me, it was mostly work/job related), things got better. I don’t think one can “learn” to let go though, you just have to do it. And the more you do it, the more “okay” it feels. (For me it never felt “right” though, even now I “feel” like I should be doing more. This is when I have to remind myself to listen to logic instead of myself.)
If you need some temporary relief to get you through a period – go see your doctor! There’s no shame in that and it can really help out between now and when you find your new “normal”.
Ashley thanks for sharing your feelings. Just know that I see and hear what you are doing and you ARE doing all the right things and taking care of all the right things. And I loved your testimony in the middle of all this concern and stress! As your friends have said. Take it a day at a time. That's really all any of us can do! And Cheree is right about letting go....you just have to let some things go....we've all had to struggle with learning that and I do that better sometimes more than others! But hang in there sweetie! You're doing beautifully! and I'm there for you whenever!
Once, when I was working at Dillardsmany moons ago, I couldn't stop crying because you had shaved off a lot of your pretty hair in back and I couldn't relate and I was so worried. Look at what a good person you turned into and what rich blessings you have. I am proud of you. We love you and are glad you are our daughter. Happy early birthday.
Ok I am sitting at work catching up on your blog trying not to cry as I read it. I am amazed at what a strong woman you are. I hope you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
Take care. PPD is hard stuff. Nothing really make sence and you feel like you maybe haveit and then the next min your a mess. That's how it is for me..It never hits for me till my baby is 3 months. By 6 thing even out only to surge with major hormones as I start to ween my little one. I have to think Heavenly Father made us emotional and hormonal for a reason. We can be so tender and close to feeling..it just has a mean back lash that teaches us a ton about who we really are and what we can handle.
I have been meaning to ask what you are doing to manage your depression or if it has gotten better. I am still slightly depressed but exercising has finally started to help. I am so glad because finally there is light at the end of my tunnel! Thanks for your thoughts!
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