Things that make you go hmmm...

By now, those of you who read this know that I have odd things happen to me, often. All true, I promise. Well, today was no exception:

This morning I was headed to my neighbor's house so we could go walking when I spotted some trash in my yard. I made a mental note to clean it up after my walk. We are on a corner and people chunk trash in our yard alot. But, as I got closer I realized it was a bunch of bags full of something. I thought that maybe Jon had left fertilizer or seeds of some kind in the yard the last time he did yard work. They were about 5 inches wide and 12 inches long, and there were six of them in all. Thinking nothing of it, I flip over the first bag. Imagine my surprise when the words FRESH GROUND VENISON stares back at me. For those of you who don't know, venison is deer meat. We live in the sticks and alot of our friends and neighbors hunt. It's not at all unusual to be offered meat of some kind. I once saw a neighbor gutting and skinning a deer in his garage. But, I never in a million years thought someone would throw deer meat in my yard. I mean, I'm all about trying new food. But, at least ring my doorbell and offer it to me. And, yes we do get trash thrown in our yard ALOT, but if someone wanted to clean out their freezer, there are about 50 houses they pass before mine. I am thinking someone was pulling a nasty prank, but I am not sure why? Can't think of any enemies. I am baffled. I do not think it's funny at all. And, more than anything I want to know who did it and why. I would love y'alls opinions on this...

Mean Girls

Look what some little snotty girl put on Chloe's MySpace page:

"wow your such a little baby. wtf? your looking to be more popular next year? like that would ever happen/ your brother may be x-tremely popular but that doesn't mean you are too sweetie;; i never liked you. only your brother. ~a.h.h."



Rude huh? I have always feared this would happen. Actually I knew it would, but I didn't know it would happen before high school. Girls using Chloe to get to Hunter and vice versa. I am just stunned at how mean and catty little girls are. It was bad enough when I was a kid, But nowadays, girls are ruthless. Unfortunately, it doesn't ever seem to go away. Women are bitches, some more so than others. Anyway, Mama Bear is pissed!

That Vile Woman...

So, I got the new People magazine in the mail today. And, my mail lady defaced it. Gasp! It hurt to write that.... She must not know how much I treasure my magazines. Especially one with a new celebrity baby in it! I am a celeb hound. If I had a better camera, could run faster, and lived in Los Angeles I would quite possibly be a paparazzi! Not really. But, I do really get into celeb gossip, alot. Ask anyone. I know as much about some celebrities as I do my own friends and family. And, I reeeaaallly love magazines. Crisp, shiny, new ones especially. I like to read a new magazine when I eat lunch or take a bath. I don't like anyone looking at them before me. I can't stand when someone sneaks them and peeks at them (Chloe, Jon) and takes the little subscription cards out. That's MY job. And, I absolutely get upset when the mail lady crams the magazines in the box and crumples them up. Yet, she lovingly places the bills on top. Like they are important! What's wrong with you woman? So, I am a little peeved. I can't read a torn magazine in the tub, the cover slips into the water. And I can forget about lunch. My tuna sandwich just doesn't taste as good when my magazine looks ugly. So, if anyone wants this People, it's yours. I am gonna spend $4 and buy a new one. I am totally serious. I may even do a citizen's arrest on Wanda the Mail Lady. Watch your back Wanda, I am watching you... If you see me sitting by my mail box with a lemonade and a rolled up newspaper, run like hell!

P.S. Just to let you know how swift Wanda is. My next door neighbor sent off for a new Social Security card. It was delivered to us. Do I look like a Carla?

** the above statements are true. All of them.*

Absolutely F%#@^*G Livid!

I just have to get this off of my chest:

I have the most amount of dislike for Roger Dean Thomisee Jr. (bio-dad) that one can have for a person without actually hating them. I am very frustrated with him. He has been acting interested in possibly meeting Chandler. Saying he wanted to have a jam session with Chandler and Grayson. Just being really nice like we were buddies. He whined alot about needing food and money. I felt sorry for him, even offering him a meal or my couch if need be!! Well, I found out that it was all an act so I would file an appeal relieving him of child support responsibilities. Since it was never about the money and only about Chan knowing about his biological father, I started to fall for his act. Then, I started really thinking about things and talking to a few of his exes and his mom and I got wise. He has evidentally been this way for years. So, I told him NO that I knew he was working for cash in a bar and that he needed to grow up. I did. I delivered a baby 2 weeks after my 18th birthday and I have gotten not one dime nor word of encouragement or offer of support from that "man" in over 16 years. So, I have to go back to court. Luckily, I have saved every email, voicemail, and text. And, I have a new friend: Tanisha. His ex. We are having dinner together tonight. Guess what we'll be talking about? So ironic, today my first child support payment was due. I never even gave it a second thought until the mail lady brought me a registered letter to sign for. I couldn't believe it. I (for a micro-second) thought that he had come through. Hah, fat chance. It was like the millionth slap in the face from Roger Dean Thomisee Jr. Well, surprise surprise, I am not going to be pushed around by him. The gloves are off.

Jon's new address:

13 Dog House Lane. Also known as: On My List....

Why you ask?

I was under the impression that my husband and children would accompany me to church on a lovely Father's Day afternoon. Well, surprise surprise I went alone. Jon had Nascar to watch and 1.5 acres to mow, as the grass was grazing our knee caps. I was also under the impression that we would all go out for a nice dinner or cook out on the grill here. We were to make this happen after church. After which we would head to my parent's house to see my dad and give him his gift. It was discussed. It wasn't set in stone, we didn't know what we were eating or anything. But, it was supposed to happen that way. I get on the phone after church and call home to see where to meet or did he want to grill out? Chandler answered the phone. And here's our conversation. Give or take a few choice words:

Me: "hey Chan, where's Dad?"
Chan: "at the track racing."
Me: "ha ha, very funny. Seriously get him on the phone."
Chan: "I am serious, he is racing at Cowtown."
Me: "You have got to be freakin' kidding me. Where's Hayden? Where are the other kids?"
Chan: "Hunter is with Dad, and Hayden and Chloe are watching TV."
Me: "You're babysitting? Seriously?"
Chan: "Yep. We were swimming and Dad left."
Me: "Dad left you in charge and when he left y'all were in the pool?" "Chan, you never, ever babysit. Someone could have gotten hurt or drowned or something. What would you have done? You don't know CPR. Seriously y'all were swimming? Am I being Punk'd?"
Chan: "No, he left about 10 minutes after you did and said we HAD to stay in the backyard, the pool, or inside. No front yard"
Me: "Ok, I am pissed, I'll be home in 10 minutes."

I immediately called Jon and ripped him a new one. I also drove about 70 mph all the way home. And, I kid you not, when I pulled onto our street, Chloe and Hayden were walking down the street alone AND barefooted to the neighbor's house to play. Plus, my front door was WIDE open!

So, here are my "issues"...
How did me telling Jon that I saw Shawna, the lady who runs the local BMX track at Target turn into it's ok to skip church with me and race? I told him she was gonna do hot dogs and special racing on Father's Day. He never said a single word about going. I wouldn't have cared. It was his day. I would have made the kids get ready and go with me, so he and Hunter could hang at the track.

I found it odd that he abruptly stopped mowing in the middle of the yard. He came in and helped me into my dress, offering to tie the sash. Just being sweet I thought. I said I was in a hurry and I would call him when church was over.

We have NEVER let Chandler babysit. Some kids have the knack, he doesn't. Not his fault. Boys turn into men. Men don't have the same instinct and paranoia as moms. Not sure why he was initiated today?! Yes, he is 16, but Chan ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to some things. Guitar, algebra, and spelling bees, yes he's a flippin' genius. Babysitting, no.

And, please tell me why it would ever be ok to leave a virgin babysitter, alone with his 6 year old brother, his 10 year old sister, his 12 year old half-brother, and his 16 year old best friend? While they were swimming??? Ever hear of a little thing called drowning? Someone hitting their head during a dive gone wrong? Swallowing water? Choking? Fires? The list goes on and on... And, the kicker: stay in the back yard, the pool, or the house? Say what?
So, I would love some feedback. Am I weird? Am I being a brat? Overeacting? And, Jon if you drove faster, you would have beat me home. I would have NEVER known.

WTF ! ? !

Today I worked up the courage to speak to Chandler's "bio-dad". We were at the beginning of what I was hoping would be a decent conversation about life, the past week's events, etc. when my other line rings. I look at the caller i.d. see that it says the high school is calling and decide they can leave a message. I figured it was Chandler's chemistry teacher calling. He was in danger of failing her class because of a few important papers he didn't get turned in because he was having surgery. She had already emailed me the good news that he had passed, so I thought maybe she wanted to make sure I knew. Not two seconds later my cell phone rings, and I am thinking she must be super proud he passed and really needs to make sure I know it. So, with my cordless in one hand and my cell in the other, I answer the phone with: "hi, Mrs. So and So, I got your email, that's great news. I am on a super important phone call, can I get back to you?" And this is what was screamed in my ear: "NO, THIS IS NOT MRS. SO AND SO. THIS IS MS. ALLEN. YOU NEED TO COME GET YOUR SON IMMEDIATELY. HE HAS BEEN SUSPENDED FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE YEAR. HE NEEDS TO LEAVE CAMPUS IMMEDIATELY. HE CAUSED AN UPROAR IN THE CAFETERIA. HE CAN COME NEXT WEEK TO TAKE HIS FINAL EXAMS!" And, I was like umm okay... WTF was that?
So, I try and end the call with "bio-dad" as quick as humanly possible, and get dressed so I can go pick up my juvenile-never been in trouble- before delinquent. When I get there he walks out the doors to greet me, and he knows I am pissed. I storm in there to talk to her or anyone of authority and of course they are too busy, but I can call them later if I want to. Excuse me? So, I calmly grab Chan and we head to get Hayden. So, here's what happened: There was a fist fight in one corner of the cafeteria. In the opposite corner there sits Chan and his friends. You've seen photos. They bring brown bag lunches, play guitar, and they all wear glasses. Kids whose idea of fun is to spin on the Merry-go-Round til they barf. Hardly dangerous children. They are goofing off, having fun, playing with their empty soda bottles. Just being kids who are fixing to be set free for 3 whole months. Rock on! Well, MS. ALLEN sees them acting goofy and sees Chan squeeze his empty Mountain Dew bottle til the lid pops off and shoots up in the air. She loses it. She orders him out of his seat straight to the office. They proceed to walk to the office where she tells him he could have started a bigger fight, where he could have caused chaos, where he could be charged with disorderly conduct, and where she could have had him fined by the cops to the tune of $500. And, my personal fave, she said he could have "incited a riot." Is she f*c$!^g kidding me? He was stunned, as am I. That woman was pissed! I haven't been yelled at like that in years. Poor Chan, he really isn't a bad kid. However, she may have yelled at me like that because my darling son told her she was ridiculous and laughed the whole way to the office. So, Chan is starting Summer break early. And, Jon and I will be talking with MS. ALLEN tomorrow morning. Oh boy!

Yo, bonehead!

Dude, what is up with some people? Why do they think it's ok to call me by something other than my name? I am referring to one word in particular: red. Now, the last time I checked my name was not Red. It's Ashley. I mean for real, can you not call me something besides that? How about sweetie, or honey, or even babe? Do I do that to them? No, I don't, because it's rude. If I don't know someone's name, I politely ask someone else or go with the flow and hope it doesn't come up. I cannot not tell you how many times I have been called Red, and it sucks. I mean have you ever heard someone say, "hey dishwater blonde" or "hi brunette" or even "what's up premature gray"? I am guessing, no. It just doesn't happen. I must have the word red spelled on my forehead in freckles or something. Only I can't see it. So, for future reference please call me Ashley.

A rhyme, Dr. Seuss style

I do not like them in my house, I think I'd rather have a mouse
They do not belong in here with me, they belong outside near that tree
I cannot stand them here or there, I do not like them anywhere
They are going to drive me nuts, they're just a bunch of little butts
They have me busy as a slave, those damn little ants living in my microwave

The wind beneath these wings is getting ticked!

Ok, so that same woman at church told me I looked like Bette Midler today. Not only did she stop me in the hall, but she told me that her and 2 other ladies brought it up the other day. They were visiting teaching and it was brought up about me resembling Bette. So, this other lady brought out a picture of Bette and they all concurred!!! Well, 2 more women overheard this today and piped in that yes, I did look "just like Bette Midler!" I was floored! And super annoyed. I mean seriously, does this need to be brought up by this woman every single time she sees me? She obviously finds this amusing or feels as if she is flattering me. Honestly though, I am tired of it. I am going to try and steer clear of her from now on. I usually am not the type to speak up, but if she says it again I am going to politely ask her to stop. And, although I am no beauty queen, I do not think I look like Bette Midler. Or do I, and I just never realized it? And, if I look like Bette Midler, does this mean my mom looks like Barbra Streisand? And my sisters like Celine Dion and Cyndi Lauper??

Livid!

I have been running around like crazy trying to get my Christmas shopping started and finished in like 3 days. Last night I did the majority of it and have maybe one more trip to Target and I am finished. Well, I was out until after 1 in the morning yesterday and everyone was asleep when I came home. Except Hunter. So, while I ran things into my closet (to store in Jon's shop later) I had Hunter take the trash cans to the curb. I ran so fast and carried so many bags, I didn't think he knew where it all went. Fast forward to today, and I am feeling awful. I am getting the beginnings of an upper respiratory infection or strep. So, I decided that after going to bed at 3, coughing all night, and being exhausted from shopping that I would take a nap. I had gotten up at 8 to feed Hayden and we had worked in a couple of puzzle books, so I was ready for a snooze. Now, while I will nap when the kids are in school, I rarely if ever sleep when they are home. Unless Jon is here. But, they are aged 6 to 15, so I figured being 10 feet away from the living room and a light sleeper things would be ok. Boy was I wrong! Hunter and Chloe sneaked past me sleeping and went straight to my closet!! Thankfully I woke up before Hayden snuck in there as well. They proceeded to peek into every bag, and now know the majority of the presents that they are getting! They no longer believe in Santa (they discovered the "secret" last year), but Hayden does. I was so shaky from sleep that I flew up out of bed and went ballistic! I am sure the neighbors heard me yelling. I was so mad and VERY disappointed! I was so afraid Hayden had seen his Santa gifts. But after the third degree and getting Jon and me on the phone with both of them, we straightened things out. Hayden luckily did not see his gifts. I immediately banished them to their rooms, only to be allowed out to eat and use the restroom. I made them write a letter apologizing for their behavior. I also have them on chore duty. They have made beds, swept, passed out Christmas goodies to the neighbors, loaded trashcans, cleaned their rooms, and vacuumed. I am fixing to send them into the boys bathroom to clean. Which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I am seriously considering purchasing little black bags full of charcoal briquets to place under the tree for them. However, I am not that mean. I just wish they could be more patient. And not worry so much about presents. So, needless to say, my blood pressure has risen to the roof today.

This is only a test, right?

Man, I had finally gotten into the Christmas spirit and today happened. Today was gonna be busy but productive for me, and then wouldn't you know it I have to go and be dramatic! I had dropped cookie dough and stockings at my parent's house and I was headed to deliver Kelli's cookie dough and then get a haircut, when my car decided to act up. After getting cash for my haircut out of the bank I skipped the gas station and headed up Pioneer Pkwy. in Grand Prairie, when my car started to chug a lug. All I could think was lo and behold driving on empty is finally coming to haunt me! I chugged my way (barely) into a restaurant parking lot and called my dad. He, along with several other nice men driving by and the guys at Grand Prairie Jiffy Lube helped pour in some gas (which didn't work). They all then pushed that giant monstrosity of a vehicle into a handicapped parking space. My dad then drove me to Kelli's to hang for a bit and to give her her cookie dough order. My car is now patiently awaiting a tow. Although I felt like a complete idiot at first and was super embarrassed for running out of gas, I feel a little better knowing it needs a fuel pump and it was not my fault. Christmas was already an issue because of Chan's surgery. Now, it looks like I'm getting a $500 fuel pump for Christmas this year. I wonder if I have a purse to match it? At least I got some cookie dough delivered. Although technically Kelli could have just driven here and picked it up herself, since she did drive me home. My hair still needs cut and I haven't had lunch yet, but oh well.

about to throw the computer against the wall...

My computer is acting nuts today. Then I accidentally deleted all of the limo pictures so I couldn't load them on Jon's laptop. The desktop that the kids use needs a new disc for internet, so I am having serious computer issues today. The limo pics below are all out of order but I did the best I could. The computer kept kicking me off of my blog before I could publish or save but after I had put all pics on. I had to re-do about 10 times. Thanks goodness I am alone, I have used several choice words at my computer today. Things I would never want my kids to hear their wholesome mommy to say. Ok, just had to vent to someone...

Showdown at the BMX corral

Man, to say that I am peeved would be putting it mildly. Hayden has done so well at BMX that he is only one race away from the intermediate class. He is currently a novice. The classes are novice, intermediate, expert, and lastly pro. We were feeling confident that tonight would be the night that he advanced. They make a pretty big deal out of it when you advance. They stop the races and do a little ceremony and you get a certificate and everyone cheers. Huge deal for a kid. Tonight though things didn't go according to plan. Hayden looked amazing in practice, and we were all feeling pretty good. He was racing against 2 other kids we've never seen before, both 7 year olds. Since there were only 3 kids total they do 2 motos (a race where the top riders advance, so there would be at least 3 riders in the main event) and a main event. You stay with the same group of children through all of your motos and your main event. His first moto this one little boy, who was taller and way heavier than Hayden was very aggressive, and he and Hayden were handlebar to handlebar until the first turn where he crashed Hayden to the ground. Hayden got up with no problem and finished in 3rd. The second moto Hayden completely spanked aggressive boy and the other rider and easily took 1st. So, for the main event aggressive boy was literally almost out for blood after being beat in the second round. The minute they came off of the gate, he made a straight and deliberate shot almost face to face with Hayden. Hayden crashed so hard that his head banged the dirt and he flipped a few times. Very scary! The other boy took a minor spill, but got up quickly and finished. I have never seen Hayden soo upset and scared. He happened to crash right in front of us, maybe within 15 feet. It was absolutely terrifying. He did manage to get up and finish to thunderous applause. But, he was shaking so bad at the finish line that I was pretty worried. I carried him to the stands where we met up with Jon, who had just finished filing a grievance and cussing out aggressive kid's dad! Our biggest issue is that a 7 year old is more than likely taught to ride and cut people off that way. It is a well known fact in BMX that you need to be in front first to have a good shot at winning. And, it is even taught in clinics and workshops how to cut in front of people. That technique has gotten so out of hand that the rules will change as of January 1st. Anyone caught cutting people off before a certain point on the track will be disqualified. So, tonight the aggressive boy and his dad got a warning. But let me tell you that I have never seen a kid that young that aggressive and downright mean. Hayden is adamant that he will never race that kid again. Unfortunately there aren't many 6 year olds in Hayden's age class so he will almost always race older kids. I know it may sound as if I am an angry mom, and Jon a ticked off dad, but so many people had our backs tonight. They came up to us to inquire about Hayden and express their displeasure at the other little boy's aggression and cheap tactics. I was so grateful for the support of the other people at the track tonight. I don't think I have ever seen Jon so mad. He is not a confrontational person at all and he was seething tonight. Hayden is ok. His head is fine, he does however have a goose-egg on his elbow and one on his shin. We took him to I-Hop for chocolate chip pancakes with bacon, his choice. He is now crashed. I might need a Valium though. This sport is scary. Especially when your baby is out there, one of the littlest kids on the track. He will have 2 more attempts to advance to intermediate before the season ends December 15th, and I am not so sure I can watch. I know he has the skills to be great at this, but I am still scared.

Some people...

have been offended and shocked by things I have posted. And to those people I apologize. Not for being me and not for my sense of humor. But I am sorry these "people" are not more open minded. If these people had bothered to get to know me better in all of the 33 years I have been alive, they would know me and my personality. I personally love my blog and find it charming and witty. Sure there are things that might embarrass the person they are written about a tiny bit. I obviously never meant to hurt anyones feelings or embarrass them. If I ever did, I would certainly remove the offending post. It is the year 2007 and things are not the way they were in the 40's and 50's let alone even 10 years ago. I post things that are relevant, humorous, silly, cute, and dear to me. I did not start this blog to be prim and proper and polite. I did it as a project to keep me occupied and share my family and friends with others, who don't see us as often. I am so tired of apologizing for who I am. I am not going to pretend to be someone I am not. I am an adult, sure I may not have as much wisdom and class as someone who has lived a much longer life than me. But, I am me take me as I am and if you are annoyed or offended or find this blog tacky, go read something else. Maybe Dear Abby, Heloise, or Miss Manners.