Caterpillar Girl

I love analogies. To me it's just an easy way to relate to someone how you feel if the words don't come out right. I have been feeling out of sorts for awhile. Going back to church has certainly helped me alot. But, now I am feeling like I have finally grown up, and I turn 34 soon... What I am trying to say is imagine a caterpillar in their cocoon knowing that they are soon going to fulfill their destiny. Imagine that caterpillar not being able to find their way out. Knowing what they are supposed to do but being powerless to break free. Odd analogy, but that is exactly how I have been feeling lately. I am not sure if going back to church along with scripture study and prayer has opened my eyes or if I am focusing on mundane things that don't really matter in the long run. And, I know the things that are bugging me seem mundane, but they do matter to me. I can only hope and pray that as my testimony growns stronger, superficial things won't matter. But, I am a girl and I am human, so some stuff does matter. I am just bummed it took me so many years before the lightbulb went off. I guess what I am trying to get at is that for years I have been trying to figure Ashley out and would always come up empty. Yes, I am a wife and mom, but who else am I? I often wonder what things I am supposed to accomplish? Will I still be able to? The stuff on my mind now seems silly as I am typing this, but they are important to me. For years I have lived my life in the way I was supposed to as opposed to fulfilling me. But, I never knew what I was missing. I have heard many women say that things become so much clearer in your 30's and 40's. I can totally see that now. Gosh, it took long enough. I will fill you in on a few of the superficial things, but am saving the heavy thoughts for my heart, mind, and prayers. They can't be changed yet anyway... The superficial things seem easier to change. And, in no certain order here are a few, and remember they may sound goofy to you. No negative comments please.

** I absolutely can't stand that my house is decorated Western. I only did it because we moved to "the country". I am so not country! My favorite group is The Cure for goodness sakes. Now I feel as if my house is smothering me. I would change it in a heartbeat if I could, but I am broke.

** After all these years I have finally figured out what my own personal style is. Two problems: I am fat and my cash flow is barely a trickle.

** I see mistakes I have made as a mom and a wife. It is not easy to teach an old dog new tricks as they say. I am trying so hard to implement changes for the positive in our house, and am being met with so much resistance. It has been hard and there are days when I feel like quitting. But I am gonna soldier on.

So, that is a few of the things I wanna change about me and mine. Like I said there are other things on my mind, but they will only ever be discussed in my prayers.
Thanks for listening.