Umbilicus Frustratus...

Camden's belly button/umbilical cord stump has been giving me fits. Probably because I have been so anxious to try out his new bathtub... He went for his 2 week checkup on Friday (he has gained 10oz and 1/2 an inch) and his pediatrician told me his cord would likely stay attached for several more weeks. She said he had a flat cord, meaning it was attached straight and flat across his belly button and that no air was getting to it which helps it dry out and eventually fall off. It had been oozing and bleeding a tiny bit here and there but nothing bad. Back when all my other kids were born you put alcohol on the cord to speed the drying up and falling off of the cord. Apparently that is no longer standard, you just keep the diaper folded down and continue sponge bathing so it doesn't get wet. I was told by the doctor that if it hadn't fallen off by the time he's one month old that I should bring him in and they would use a silver nitrate stick to burn it off. Lovely. Well, apparently all of her picking, poking and prodding sped the "healing process" right on up... That night around 10 or so he got fussy- BAD. He would scream as if he was in pain but only sporadically. I thought it was gas and that we were in for a long night. And, boy were we. He cried like he was hurting all night long and he would draw his legs up, much like when they have gas pains. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was hurting him. I changed him by nightlight a few times and saw teeny spots of pus on his onesie but no more than I had previously. He didn't fall into a deep sleep until around 7 am and that was only after I swaddled him up like a burrito. At 11 Chloe came in and woke me up and as I was getting ready for my day I had her unwrap him so he would wake up to eat. That is when she asked me in a panic if I had seen his belly button.... what I saw freaked me out beyond belief. I had never seen so much blood and pus on a newborn baby in my life. Plus, his belly button was hard, hot, and swollen. So, in a panic I called Erin and had her rush over- since she's down the street, and, she too was in shock and had never seen anything like it either. I immediately called the nurse's line at my pediatrician's office and they advised me to clean it as often as possible with alcohol and they had me draw a line around the redness on his tummy. If the redness went past the line I drew he would have to go to the ER. Thankfully by the next morning the swelling, redness and leftover stump were gone! Whew, I was so afraid it was infected and that he was gonna need antibiotics at such a young age not to mention being in the ER with all the other sickies. Man, kids sure do keep you on your toes...

Camden's swollen belly button (yes my ink line was way off)


his onesie soaked in blood, pus and laundry detergent

Pig's Feet

So, I am willing for the sake of my blog to show y'all a picture of my cankles. In four pregnancies I have NEVER had swollen anything. I can wear my rings, high heels, etc. Well, my rings still fit but high heels are gonna have to wait awhile. Yes, I know I have a bunion and yes I desperately needed a pedicure when the pic with the black toenails was taken. I got one last night but unfortunately it did nothing for the swelling. If anything it's worse. Without further ado, my feet:

Thursday evening


Saturday afternoon

That not so fresh feeling...

Nothing grosses me out quite like someone with dirty teeth. And, tonight I saw the worst set of teeth I think I have ever seen on a human being... I really had to stop myself from inviting this woman home with me so I could loan her some Crest and a toothbrush. She had so much plaque that at first I thought she had braces or an extra row of teeth. But is was ALL plaque. And, it looked like rocks you would put in a fish bowl. GROSS! I always wonder how a person's teeth can get that way. I realize that not everyone can afford the dentist. I mean we couldn't growing up unless we had a cavity or something. But, my parents had nine children and food and clothes came first. I never saw the dentist until I was 18 and never got a cavity until I was 30, which devastated me beyond belief, but that's a story for another day. Seriously though a toothbrush and toothpaste can be had for cheap- hello Dollar General! I am not trying to be mean, but I was so disturbed by this woman's teeth that I'm not sure I can go back to that particular store again. The first thing I did when I got home was brush and floss my teeth.

P.S. I dare you to Google bad teeth. So-freaking-nasty.

Fungalitis

So, Chandler has a condition. What started out as poison ivy has turned into one heck of an infection. A staph one to be exact. He hasn't been to school all week due to constant itching and weeping (oozing). Gross would be an understatement. I took him to the Dr. AGAIN today, and they were speechless. It really looks bad, and he's in alot of pain. He woke me up at 2:30 this morning asking for Vicodin. "Sure honey, just grab one out of my purse." Like I really have those on hand. They swabbed it and sent it to "the lab" for testing. If it doesn't clear up considerably by Monday he is gonna have to go see the infectious diseases specialist, stat. For now he is on antibiotics, oral and topical. Plus, lots of Advil. I am praying it will clear up fast. Obviously I don't want anything to be wrong with him and he doesn't need to miss anymore school. That child, I tell you what. In the last 18 months he has had: 2 ingrown toenails removed, surgery to remove a ping pong ball sized cyst from his neck, and a broken tibia and torn ligaments in his ankle, which equalled 2 surgeries. So, after this I am going to have him placed in a large protective bubble. And, I am including photos. They are really graphic. So, don't scroll down if you are squeamish.

Tastes like chicken?

Post Title Ideas:

I'm sorry Kermit
Blogs about frogs
Frog legs anyone?

I had many ideas as to what I should title this post. No matter what, this story is sad, if you like animals or have a beating heart. You have been warned.

Last night Jon and I were sitting in our media/game room watching the Olympics while Chloe and Hayden played board games. Out of the corner of my eye I saw what appeared to be a mouse crawling across the floor. So, I yelled for Jon to catch it and for the kids to jump up quick. Now, we live in the country and animals and critters are a part of our everyday life. As a matter of fact I have a random stray dog on my porch right now... Anyway, we quickly determined that it wasn't a mouse at all but a GIANT hairy spider. So, Jon scooped it up into the lid of the kid's Life game and headed to the front door. I heard him comment that we always seem to have frogs on our porch and thought nothing else of it...then, I hear him try to shut the door and it keeps making this loud thud like something is in the way. He tries to shut the door like three more times and it still keeps thudding loud and not closing. It sounded to me like the deadbolt was stopping the door. So, I get up to investigate and see Jon covering his mouth with a sick look on his face. And he tells me he shut the very same frog who was eating mosquitoes on my porch 5 seconds earlier in the door! Next to the hinges. I very cautiously peek at the door and sure enough that frog is bleeding on my door frame, and his throat and cheek are all bubbled up. It was so sad and so gross. I love animals, but I am not gonna try and resucitate a frog. I mean, can you see me now doing mouth to mouth? Anyway, Jon swept him off the porch to die in peace and we were thinking he would go quick. But no, this morning around 11 I opened the door to check and there he was covered in ants. He turned his head to look at me and blinked his freaking eyes! So freaking sad! I am forever traumatized. I am sorry Kermie, Jon's sorry too. It was an accident. I am teasing but it was really sad. I hope he is in froggy heaven, lounging on giant lily pads, eating bugs, and being kissed by princesses.

Green Salad

The last two nights we have had chef salad for dinner. It is a favorite summer time dinner, for everyone but Chloe and Hayden. We just add turkey, ham, boiled egg, bacon bits, cheese, croutons, tomato, cucumber and avocado to a big green salad. If I am feeling really domestic I will make homemade Ranch dressing. Well, I was feeling domestic, so I made some dressing. I just get the Hidden Valley ranch packets and mix in mayonnaise, buttermilk, dill weed, and sour cream. If you like Ranch dressing, I recommend you try it. Anyway, long story short, I needed to add a little more buttermilk, mayo, and sour cream to the dressing because it kinda thickens up over time. I found more than I bargained for when I opened up a container of sour cream. It was wedged into this little compartment in my frig that I am too short to see. The date on the carton was June 28th. I cleaned the frig out around a month ago and never even saw it. I don't think? Or maybe I thought sour cream couldn't go bad? Who knows? I honestly don't remember. But, I will always remember the way that sour cream looked... I know I am not the only one this has happened to, or am I?

By the tag on my skinny skin skin

Ok, so I confess. I have a funky ole skin tag. Yuckola! One of those nasty little flesh colored mole thingies. They don't hurt, they are just UGLY! It is kinda under my arm. Even though I never wear sleeveless shirts, I have always been self conscious about it. If I wear a cap sleeve shirt or raise my arm a certain way you can see it. Well, as part of my improve what I can without losing 100 pounds effort, I decided I would remove this thing. That along with Crest whitestrips, fresh haircut and color, a pedicure, and a couple of new outfits were gonna be the extent of my overhaul. So I can look as cute as humanly possible when I go to Utah. Being a wimp I decided snipping it off was out of the question, although I know a few people who have successfully done this. I had a friend even tell me to twist it off. Ouch! I called a few dermatologists and they wanted $250 to remove it. No thank you. So, being an uninsured cheapskate, I opted for what I'll call an "herbal non FDA approved remedy." Something called Emune, which no longer even shows up when you Google it...scary. Jon had ordered it, and was able remove a few moles last summer. I guess it has a short shelf life? Not only did this thing not remove my skin tag, it basically ate a greenish yellow hole above and below the offensive skin. Gross! It hurts, it's uglier than ever, it's infected. I had to make an emergency appointment at a dermatologist today. I was treated by a lovely nurse practitioner who I believe was addicted to Botox. I think she smiled at me a few times. But, I'm not sure. Her face never moved. For sure she had lip injections. Trout pout I believe it's called. Anyway, she gave me antibiotics and a super turbo ointment to kill the infection. I am going back in two weeks to have it removed, if my arm hasn't fallen off by then. And, grand total counting both appointments and a mole check: $210. So, if I would have called in the beginning I could have had it removed for $165. Lesson learned.

I am including a photo. It is soooo gross. Don't look if you are easily grossed out. Not the greatest pic, but aiming a camera at your armpit is hard!

Do you smell that?

The first thing I noticed this morning when I woke up was, wow our house smells awful! So, I sniff around a little trying to figure out what it is. Nothing. It is starting to annoy me because the odor is horrible. The first thing I think of is some of us had bean burritos yesterday and some of us had baked beans at a barbecue. I make a mental note to add Bean-O to my grocery list. Hopefully I am not the only person this has happened to. I walk frantically around the house, investigating, sniffing. I am sure I looked like an idiot. But, I take pride in my house smelling good. I have plug ins and wallflowers everywhere. Not to mention all of my Bath and Body Works oil burners and room sprays. Anyway, I check the toilets, and they're all flushed! Miracle. I sniff the kids rooms, under the kitchen sink, the dishrag in the kitchen sink, the frig. Nada. I did discover some old pork chops, but they had no odor. Ziplock bags really do keep things fresh! I chunk them out and head to the pantry. Hah, I found it. A bag of sprouty potatoes. Funny, the pantry doesn't smell. But I am convinced it's the bag of sprouty spuds. So, I pinch the top of the bag with two fingers and my nose with the other hand and I run outside to the trash cans. Whew! Crisis averted! I definitely wasn't expecting the smell that hit me in the face when I came back in. Think of a giant wall of poo and you are running into it at full speed. I was nearly knocked out. So, I gag my way to the laundry room for some Lysol wipes so I can scrub the pantry shelf down and hopefully bring some floral goodness back to my house. Well, if I thought the giant poo wall was bad, nothing compares to the Poo Demon that is lingering in the laundry facilities. OMG! I almost lost the breakfast I hadn't had a chance to eat yet! Then I have a flashback to a conversation Jon and I had after I got home from church yesterday.

Me: "Hey Jon, why is there a kitchen chair on the porch?"
Jon: "Because Hunter spilled a giant bowl of cereal PLUS milk all over it and we took it outside to clean it off."

So, the moral of this story is: If you spill milk and use a BATH TOWEL to clean it up, immediately put BATH TOWEL into the washer along with soap and wash it.

Milk + towel + humid laundry room located in Texas = one nasty odor

Freakin' Disgusting!

Presenting: Bacon Maple Bar... doesn't even sound good. Would anyone really eat this?

No words can describe this...

For the better part of two days I have been cleaning and organizing Hunter and Hayden's room in preparation for painting and re-decorating. Today I discovered something that stunned me silent. I found what can only be described as "dehydrated fruit" under their dresser. A shriveled banana to be exact. GROSS! No telling how long it's been there. I seem to remember one night in January when Hunter came to me right after he went to bed complaining of hunger. I told him he could have a banana or an apple. He took one of each. I guess the apple filled him up....

The 7 habits of highly annoying yet loveable people I call family:

** Dropping their clothes 5 feet from the hamper or their dishes on the counter ABOVE the dishwasher. You've almost made it at that point, just go the distance. Open that hamper, pop open the dishwasher. You know you want to!

** Not flushing! Really guys, give your mom/wife a break. It's a lever! It's not like you have to cover it like a cat or get a bucket to wash it away. Just push it!!

**Putting the Sprite bottle, Capri Sun box, or milk carton back in the frig empty. Why? Does the frig look like it needs more playmates? There are plenty of moldy cheese wedges, wrinkly grapes, and McDonald's ketchup packets in there to make anyone happy.

**Wearing mis-matched socks. I know I totally suck at folding socks. But the sheer fact that there are at least 2,374 socks in the basket means you should at least be able to find 2 that match. And no, gray and tan socks don't make a pair...

**Using a new cup every single time you get a drink or a new towel every time you shower. It really is ok to re-use them. Mommy is tired of single handedly keeping Tide and Cascade in business. I am practically signing the bonus checks for the stiffs in charge. You're welcome guys, think of me the next time you're vacationing in Hawaii.

**Thinking I won't notice when you haven't brushed your teeth. Nice try, I would know that color anywhere. It ryhmes with mellow. And it's a dead giveaway that you and your toothbrush haven't talked in awhile. As if your breath isn't hint enough. Puppy breath is cute, if you're a puppy...

**Farting in the car. We have gone over this a million times. I find it hard to believe that you really need to fart 18 times from our driveway to the school. Do you make yourself fart? Or does it just happen? Because if you are making yourself fart, we know what that means...skid marks. And I am so not gonna go there.

Mommy's Little Helpers

Today I was cleaning my room and came across a little surprise. I have a full length mirror that has needed hanging forever, thanks Jon. Anyway, when I went to clean the unattached mirror, it was stuck to the wall. With bubble gum. Thanks Chloe and Hayden, for doing Dad's chores. And, yes I know it was Chloe and Hayden, because I sniffed it. I know exactly what flavor of gum Santa put in the stockings and I know precisely which two children were jumping on my bed and chewing gum the other day.

And the award goes to....

Welcome to the 1st annual Myersville awards ceremony. Competition for this year's awards took place during Christmas break. This year's winners are as follows:

Going the longest without a bath: Chloe
Eating the most candy: Hayden
Spending the most money: Ashley
Wearing the same pair of socks the longest: Hunter
Falling asleep first, every single night: Jon
Going the longest without brushing their teeth: Chandler
Staying up the latest: tie between Chandler and Hunter
Using the most cell phone minutes: Hunter
Most temper tantrums thrown: tie between Chloe and Hayden
Displaying the snottiest attitude: tie between Hunter and Chloe
Most internet usage: tie amongst all of us

Join us again next year for what is sure to be an interesting competition.

What's Grosser Than Gross...?

Finding Hayden's lunchbox, hidden under the bench in my entryway. But wait there's more: it held a container of Hillshire Farms little smokies, leftover from Hayden's lunch on December 18th. Let me tell you it was nasty! The word that comes to mind rhymes with heart... Catch my drift? That mixed with the guitar string that burned up my vacuum, and Hunter's feet made for a higher volume of air freshener and candles to be used in my house today.

An Ogre of a Sore Throat

Well, I was right. We have strep throat. Or has Hayden would say it: we have Shrek throat. We went to Care Now where a sweet little doctor confirmed my diagnosis. I knew before we even went though. Too bad I can't write prescriptions. Our doctor was from North Duh-ko-tuh. Of course I asked, I'm nosey like that. She told us, "strep's highly contagious doant-cha know." She sounded exactly like Frances McDormand's character in Fargo. So cute. Afterwards we headed to Walgreens for our Amoxil and a camouflage Santa hat. I don't know about you, but a camouflage hat always makes me feel better. I was very tempted to swig Hayden's whole bottle of cold, bubble gum flavored liquid pleasure. I think I may have been hallucinating, but it seemed like just the thing to soothe my throat. I held off though. Instead we braved the mall traffic so we could get some soup at Chick-Fil-A. They have awesome chicken soup, just the thing when you are sick. We are finally home, in our pj's and medicated to the gills. We are watching Christmas movies under a big fat blanket. I am crossing my fingers that we are better by Christmas and that no one else gets sick.

Diagnose Us!

Me and Hayden are both feeling seriously under the weather. He is on the wait list at Care Now. I sure wish his pediatrician had a Saturday clinic. I am gonna see what his diagnosis is before I take action for me. I have an Amoxil prescription from when I had swimmer's ear this past summer. It's never been filled, but might be today. Anyway, I see no point in paying a ton of money for both of us to see the Dr. when I am pretty sure we have the dreaded strep throat! So, as soon as they swab his throat we'll know for sure. Here are our symptoms:

terrible throat pain, especially when swallowing
thickness in the throat (pus pockets maybe? gross, I know!)
some cough
low grade fever
chills
stuffy nose
nausea
just feeling blah and tired
no appetite
So, what do you think? Sounds like strep to me. I have never had it. Poor Chloe gets it almost every year, sometimes twice a year. I can now totally sympathize. This is awful! I can't believe my baby girl has had to endure this. Thankfully Jon is taking Hunter and Chloe Christmas shopping tonight and Chandler is at a friend's house spending the night. As soon as I get done at the clinic, Hayden and I are gonna go home and rest in peace and quiet. Somebody please tell me why I get sick EVERY year at Christmas? Could it be stress, shopping around all the other sickos, eating too much fudge and cookies instead of veggies? Who knows. But, I have "played Santa" sick ever since I have had kids. Laying out presents and stuffing stockings when you are dying is no fun. I sure I hope I feel better by Christmas Eve!

Booger eating moron

I realize some of you may have seen this, it's old news. But Jon told me about this and I was in complete disbelief. You have to see it to believe it... Not for the faint of heart, BEWARE!