Thursday, February 25, 2010

On that depression thing...

*this is long, but please read it all. And, just so you know I could have taken a shower but I decided to blog instead!*

Ok, so I know I said I needed to gather my thoughts before I posted, but I never did. I'm just gonna start typing and hope I don't sound like an idiot. After each of my babies was born I got a little bit blue. It starts as I drive away from the hospital. And, I can only guess it's because the pregnancy is over and all of the attention that was focused on me is now focused on a wrinkly smelly screaming little creature that I am head over heels in love with. Alot of it is exhaustion too. After a week or so I always think I'm in a routine and I have dodged the postpartum depression bullet. But, it rears it's ugly head and the days and nights are a blur and there are lots of tears. By month 3 I am good as new. However, this time it started the minute I found out I was pregnant and got progressively worse as I neared my due date. I knew the minute I found out that I would never be pregnant again and that finality was weighing on me. Because, I love me some babies but I am no Michelle Duggar and I am definitely not Octomom, maybe I'm somewhere in between? Anyway what I am trying to say is, babies are like a drug so to speak. They're intoxicating and soft and amazing and all these wonderful things that outweigh the crying and the poopy diapers and sleepless nights, but you can only have so many. They turn into people, with issues and drama, and stress and I want to be the best mom I can and my plate is full!
Anyways- I was a teeny bit excited and a whole lot scared shi*less. I had never really gotten over being blue when Hayden went off to kindergarten. Plus, I was so nearing freedom with Chan fixing to turn 18 and Hayden able to wipe his own butt and cook his own Kid Cuisines. I was TERRIFIED to have a baby. And, while I admit it was fun to do the whole Surprise! I'm pregnant announcement and belly shots, and buying all new baby goodies and whatnot- deep down I knew I was in for it. Thankfully, I stayed busy with my kids and the pregnancy progressed not too fast, not too slow. Let me stop here and say that during my pregnancy I worked really hard to keep up the facade that I was FINE and EXCITED even though I was sweating nails, often. I was also absolutely THRILLED to have another child, but the dark cloud of postpartum depression constantly loomed over everything.
Fast forward to labor and delivery. The whole time I was in labor I was praying silently in my head that I would dodge the blues. But, guess what? The second they whisked him off to the nursery for his group B strep tests (I was positive, remember?) I almost lost it. Even watching him get his bath an hour later I was standing at the nursery window watching the nurse suds him up and I was trembling and sweating. I really wanted to turn back time at that point. I was in LOVE but I was confused... The first few days home were filled with diaper changes, nursing, naps and endless visitors. I kept waiting for things to feel "normal" again. And, here I am almost 6 months later and guess what? I am a little better than I was that very first day, but not by much. Each day presents different challenges. In the very beginning I would get so frustrated and overwhelmed when Cam would cry. Seeing the laundry and dishes pile up would make me cry even more and my chest ache. Just the day to day of a sorta big family was kicking my butt and stressing me out, BAD! I can't tell you how many times I told Jon that I couldn't do it anymore and if things didn't change I was taking the baby and leaving. What frustrates me most is how I kept getting mad about things like my desk being full of mail or the fact that we had clean but not folded laundry. How silly of me! I have 5 beautiful children and am blessed beyond measure and I am fussing over laundry and unopened mail! But then, there were those same big kids and their fighting and endless stream of activities and school projects. Then, it seemed as if we would ALWAYS need groceries or diapers or milk or something. I'm not even touching on the "I'm a fat, ugly, terrible mom, loser." Or the "I suck at everything, no one loves me, I'm a worthless piece of crap" feelings that were always laughing at me from afar. To top it all off there were days when I felt like WonderWoman. Days when no one fought, homework was done, I cooked a decent dinner and had a chance to shower. I was and am still on a roller coaster ride of emotions. It is not fun. I am trying to feel better though and little things like not sleeping too much, a good long bath, a phone call with a good friend or a much needed scripture verse work wonders. I basically try many many little things each and every day to feel happy and "normal". I hope and pray each day that as soon as I finish nursing for good that my hormones will level out even more and I will feel 100%. I am absolutely GIDDY and BLESSED and in LOVE with my family although Jon and I have seen better days, but I am trying. I am oh so thankful for wise women who have been there both as a shoulder or an ear or those that have experienced the exact same things I am feeling now. I have complete faith in my Heavenly Father that I will get better and this experience is but a blip on my eternal radar and I can only hope that I am learning from this experience each day that passes. For sure makeup and a shower work wonders for me, and simply opening the blinds to let the sun shine in. So, that's it. I am sure I have left out so much, but I hope that at least one person can read this and relate or learn from my experience and if I can help one person in my shoes to smile or feel better then I have accomplished something today. Thanks for reading :)

Friday, February 19, 2010

She's Baaaack.... (she thinks)

Ok, so I guess I'm gonna try and get back to this blog thing. This first post back will be an update so to speak. Since I last blogged, the following things have occurred:

Hunter turned 14. We had pizza, cake, and a few friends over. A good time was had by all. Yes, I have pics. No, I'm not posting them now. Maybe later.

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary. A few of us kiddos threw them a small dinner party to celebrate. We had yummy Mexican food and a delightfully tacky gold and creme cake. A great slideshow with awesome music and good conversation. Again, I took some pics before my camera started acting stoopid and I may or may not post some.

Camden came down with RSV! My first official experience with it. Thankfully it was a mild case and he only needed breathing treatments for a week. Whew! He was pretty fussy and miserable but we made it!

I have had SEVERAL people mad at me for various DUMB reasons. They run the gamut from I am a stay home mom and that's not fair to those that have to work, to who I'm friends with- both on Facebook and in person, to the fact that I am what I am and apparently there are things about me that are super duper annoying, who knew? Honestly, I don't give a crap. I'm sorry, but I'm never gonna be sorry. Accept me or reject me just please quit whining.

I joined a gym. That's right, a gym. I have been wearing knit stretchy fabrics and oversized tops for a year and I am sick of it. It's time to lose the maternity garb and get moving again. I NEED to get this weight off. Plus, I am hoping to release some feel good endorphins. We'll see. I doubt I will ever be thin. Scratch that, I KNOW I'll never be thin. But, a girl's gotta try!

Camden grew up a whole lot! He is currently: rocking on all fours, doing full complete turns when he's on his belly by scooting in a circle, rolling 2 or 3 feet at a time, and my favorite- constantly smiling and giggling. I love it! He is soo sweet! However, he still loathes baby food except plain rice cereal. I confess I have given him a few bites of avocado, refried beans and some vanilla yogurt, all of which he loved! He better not be a picky eater like Hayden or I'm done for!

We got a buttload of snow, try not to get a visual ;). But, unless you live under a rock you know that D/FW got record snowfall last week. It was absolutely gorgeous. I could get used to more frequent snow, maybe. The kids had a blast and it was really neat to look out and see bright white pretty snow. The after effect was pretty ugly. Dying snowmen, mountains of dirty wet clothes and mud.

Chandler went to his orthopedic surgeon and will be having an ACL/MCL reconstruction next week. They call his type of injury the "Unhappy Triad". Basically they take a piece of tendon from his knee and rebuild his ACL and his MCL. Good times. I hope he recovers as easily as Jon did when he had it done back in '02 minus the vomiting and fainting spells. Lucky me- I was nursing a 6 month old baby back then and I will be doing the same thing now. Makes changing ice packs, wrapping body parts so they don't get wet in the shower and fetching food SO MUCH FUN...

Hunter has a new girlfriend! Her name is Ashley. She thinks I'm sweet and cute and she loves my red hair. I like her ALOT! He is also so dang good with Camden, it's crazy. He frequently tells me how much he loves Cam and how cool he is, it's really sweet.

Hayden is being tested for gifted in the Spring. This didn't come from left field, this came from the parking lot at the baseball stadium! He is a smart boy but I always thought his atleticism and motor skills (learning to ride a bike by himself at age 3) were his strong suits- not school. We shall see, his teacher seems to think he might qualify for the gifted program.

Chloe hit preteen harder than I thought was ever possible. She has had her toe into tween for awhile, but wowza things have been u-g-l-y lately. Tantrums, insults, door slamming, makeup swiping from mommy to name a few. And, the icing on the cake? She removed me as her friend on Facebook because she didn't like a comment I made on her status. Ouch...

And, last but certainly not least. I have postpartum depression and it sucks. I am not gonna go into detail now. I am gonna blog about it this weekend. No holds barred. I'm gonna spill my guts. I'm gonna rant and rave and more than likely there will be tears shed, both by me and maybe some of y'all. I really need to gather my thoughts about what to say and stuff. Just please, pray for me. I really want to feel better.

The end... for now.