On that depression thing...

*this is long, but please read it all. And, just so you know I could have taken a shower but I decided to blog instead!*

Ok, so I know I said I needed to gather my thoughts before I posted, but I never did. I'm just gonna start typing and hope I don't sound like an idiot. After each of my babies was born I got a little bit blue. It starts as I drive away from the hospital. And, I can only guess it's because the pregnancy is over and all of the attention that was focused on me is now focused on a wrinkly smelly screaming little creature that I am head over heels in love with. Alot of it is exhaustion too. After a week or so I always think I'm in a routine and I have dodged the postpartum depression bullet. But, it rears it's ugly head and the days and nights are a blur and there are lots of tears. By month 3 I am good as new. However, this time it started the minute I found out I was pregnant and got progressively worse as I neared my due date. I knew the minute I found out that I would never be pregnant again and that finality was weighing on me. Because, I love me some babies but I am no Michelle Duggar and I am definitely not Octomom, maybe I'm somewhere in between? Anyway what I am trying to say is, babies are like a drug so to speak. They're intoxicating and soft and amazing and all these wonderful things that outweigh the crying and the poopy diapers and sleepless nights, but you can only have so many. They turn into people, with issues and drama, and stress and I want to be the best mom I can and my plate is full!
Anyways- I was a teeny bit excited and a whole lot scared shi*less. I had never really gotten over being blue when Hayden went off to kindergarten. Plus, I was so nearing freedom with Chan fixing to turn 18 and Hayden able to wipe his own butt and cook his own Kid Cuisines. I was TERRIFIED to have a baby. And, while I admit it was fun to do the whole Surprise! I'm pregnant announcement and belly shots, and buying all new baby goodies and whatnot- deep down I knew I was in for it. Thankfully, I stayed busy with my kids and the pregnancy progressed not too fast, not too slow. Let me stop here and say that during my pregnancy I worked really hard to keep up the facade that I was FINE and EXCITED even though I was sweating nails, often. I was also absolutely THRILLED to have another child, but the dark cloud of postpartum depression constantly loomed over everything.
Fast forward to labor and delivery. The whole time I was in labor I was praying silently in my head that I would dodge the blues. But, guess what? The second they whisked him off to the nursery for his group B strep tests (I was positive, remember?) I almost lost it. Even watching him get his bath an hour later I was standing at the nursery window watching the nurse suds him up and I was trembling and sweating. I really wanted to turn back time at that point. I was in LOVE but I was confused... The first few days home were filled with diaper changes, nursing, naps and endless visitors. I kept waiting for things to feel "normal" again. And, here I am almost 6 months later and guess what? I am a little better than I was that very first day, but not by much. Each day presents different challenges. In the very beginning I would get so frustrated and overwhelmed when Cam would cry. Seeing the laundry and dishes pile up would make me cry even more and my chest ache. Just the day to day of a sorta big family was kicking my butt and stressing me out, BAD! I can't tell you how many times I told Jon that I couldn't do it anymore and if things didn't change I was taking the baby and leaving. What frustrates me most is how I kept getting mad about things like my desk being full of mail or the fact that we had clean but not folded laundry. How silly of me! I have 5 beautiful children and am blessed beyond measure and I am fussing over laundry and unopened mail! But then, there were those same big kids and their fighting and endless stream of activities and school projects. Then, it seemed as if we would ALWAYS need groceries or diapers or milk or something. I'm not even touching on the "I'm a fat, ugly, terrible mom, loser." Or the "I suck at everything, no one loves me, I'm a worthless piece of crap" feelings that were always laughing at me from afar. To top it all off there were days when I felt like WonderWoman. Days when no one fought, homework was done, I cooked a decent dinner and had a chance to shower. I was and am still on a roller coaster ride of emotions. It is not fun. I am trying to feel better though and little things like not sleeping too much, a good long bath, a phone call with a good friend or a much needed scripture verse work wonders. I basically try many many little things each and every day to feel happy and "normal". I hope and pray each day that as soon as I finish nursing for good that my hormones will level out even more and I will feel 100%. I am absolutely GIDDY and BLESSED and in LOVE with my family although Jon and I have seen better days, but I am trying. I am oh so thankful for wise women who have been there both as a shoulder or an ear or those that have experienced the exact same things I am feeling now. I have complete faith in my Heavenly Father that I will get better and this experience is but a blip on my eternal radar and I can only hope that I am learning from this experience each day that passes. For sure makeup and a shower work wonders for me, and simply opening the blinds to let the sun shine in. So, that's it. I am sure I have left out so much, but I hope that at least one person can read this and relate or learn from my experience and if I can help one person in my shoes to smile or feel better then I have accomplished something today. Thanks for reading :)

Not so fast....

Yeah, so note to self: no more pep talks! I think I jinxed myself something AWFUL after my last post... Yesterday was terrible, and that's a major understatement! I'm having that "I have to be Superwoman" thing going on. I get frustrated and overwhelmed way too easy. And while I did feel like a Rockstar when I wrote my last post, I am now back down on Earth. I have got to learn to RELAX! Any tips? I know there are good days and bad days, and I know it will get better and eventually I will have an empty nest. However, what the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Trying to be Positive Patsy when I feel like Negative Nancy.....

Ok, so first of all I feel like I should say thanks and sorry at the same time. I feel like I complain ALOT on here and I am grateful for the sweet comments when I do. I guess it's easier to type my feelings as opposed to writing them in a journal. And, I am pretty sure the people around me are tired of hearing me complain, so my internet "audience" gets to hear me rant.
That being said, this last month of pregnancy is doing a number on me. I am sooo stressed it's pathetic. I have ALOT of school shopping left to do, baby stuff that needs my attention, and 4 bored kids. And, to top it all off- Chandler (my oldest child of broken bones, torn ligaments, staph infection fame) has injured himself YET AGAIN...! This time he dislocated his elbow, which doesn't seem that bad to me but what do I know? He had to be taken to the ER where they put him under to put the elbow back in place and is now in a sling for who knows how long and will miss about 6 weeks of his Senior year of Varsity football. Already he is driving me NUTS! Bored, hungry, etc. every 15 minutes. He is on Vicodin ES which has made him pretty much unable to help me by watching the kids so I can get school shopping and planning done. I have been stuck at home for 3 days and I guess I might be having a hormonal woe is me cabin fever kind of thing going on.
Plus, I am FREAKING out worse than ever about childbirth. I made the mistake of reading about unmedicated natural childbirth and I am absolutely scared to DEATH!! I am assuming the fact that I know he has to come out somehow is making me antsy. Really, do they still put you under and deliver the baby? That way I can wake up and he's here! I don't really want to do that, but as each day ticks by I am getting more and more anxious. Not even chocolate is helping.... I think I am quite possibly driving Jon bonkers as well. And, he is the most laid back person I know. In addition to all of that I can't wake up before 11 each morning and I am taking naps right after dinner each evening. Will things ever be back to normal? Really though, what is normal? Anyway, thanks yet again for listening. I am off to take a mid-afternoon bubble bath. Wish me luck and stuff.

It's Gettin' Hot in Here....

Oh man, we're melting... Our air went out this evening. Luckily we made it through the heat of the day before it decided to die. Jon and the boys went to the Fort Worth Stockyards to watch this and Chloe and I were gonna get Chinese and rent a movie. Not long after the boys left I noticed the house was kinda warm. Normally I keep the thermostat at 74 and Jon likes it at 76. Well, I am pregnant and ALWAYS hot so I win. When I went to check things out I noticed it was 76 in the house, I instantly start accusing Jon (under my breath of course) of trying to burn me up. I adjust it to 74 and go about my evening. After 30 minutes it was still hot. So, I go outside and the compressor is silent. Not good. The temperature in our house starts to rise by one degree every 15 minutes. Pretty soon it's at 82 and I start to cry. What? I am a baby and I admit it. I can do without cable, the internet, and even my cell phone. But, take away my air conditioning and I go downhill- quick. Luckily I remember we own a decent sized room a/c unit that my father in law had borrowed when his air went out. So, I call Jon and relate the bad news- pretty soon my doorbell is ringing and it's my fairy god father in law with our air conditioner. Chloe and I went about our evening as planned. We splurged and got PF Changs to go and let me tell ya the air in my van was heavenly. I almost considered sleeping in there... We drank our weight in ice water, sponged ourselves with wet wash cloths and dipped our feet in the pool. I even took a cold bath WITH a fan on me the entire time. Now, we are trying to get comfy and it ain't easy. It's 3 in the morning and no one is asleep, we're just too hot. Even with the portable a/c. Chandler opted to stay with a friend and we have the other three kiddos and the cat hunkered down on air mattresses and pallets in our room. We currently have 2 oscillating fans, the ceiling fan and the a/c running. We're down to a balmy 80 degrees. Cross your fingers the repairman shows up and that it's an affordable fix.

Shooting the breeze...

Just a little chatter for the heck of it.

I tried the new KFC grilled chicken. Not bad just not good. I kept thinking I was eating roasted chicken like Boston Market, but it had this weird grilled flavor. I probably won't get it again.

The baby's bedding came in the mail yesterday. OH MY GOSH! It is soooo adorable, more so than the pictures online could ever show. And, the quality is amazing. It is seeming more and more real that a baby is coming. I am NERVOUS! But, once I get a car seat/stroller system, I am ready, sorta... He just needs to "bake" for 80 more days. Wow, that's not long!

I am seriously developing a weird "crush" on the pedicure man. They must have taught him right in pedicure school. Put it this way- I think my eyes rolled back in my head when he rubbed my feet tonight. He could definitely give Jon a few pointers when it comes to foot rubs. I offered him the boy's new bedroom if he would move in and be there when I'm in labor. He turned me down...

Hayden cracks me up. Just this week alone I almost blacked both of his eyes, just because a cute kid is punchable in my opinion. The other day Hunter was lifting his arm to show me his sunburn and Hayden said "ooh Hunter yuck. You have HAIR under your armpits, gross!" And then this little conversation: "Mom, who made everything in the world?" Me: "God did sweetie." "No he didn't, because everything we have says Made in China."

Speaking of Hayden. Apparently his flossing and brushing need to be supervised. He has been complaining of a toothache so we headed to the dentist yesterday and he has 3 small cavities in ONE tooth. Grand total to fix it: $823.52!

Add that to the $1300 fine I got for the time my dogs escaped, the $160 ticket I just got, my $4200 hospital bill, and $5000 for a new a/c unit and I may need to borrow some money. Only kidding. But, yikes! I am more than a little stressed...

Speaking of stress- the constant nausea is getting OLD. Can it be possible that I am gonna have morning sickness my entire pregnancy? It's sure looking that way. I am nauseous all the time and it stinks. Really. Nothing I have tried works. Any advice? I have read about vitamin B6 and Unisom together and then there's Zofran but it's expensive. The phenergan does nothing. Any tips would be much appreciated.

And, that's all for now. I really want to do a giveaway for my 600th post (which I surpassed 9 posts ago) but I'm lazy. Soon, I promise...Anyway, have a great weekend!

The week in review

This week has been nutty... I seriously never thought it would end. There's been good moments and bad moments, but I'm just ready for some lazy moments. Anyway- let's just say AMEN to the three day weekend. And, for your reading pleasure here's my highs and lows for the week:

The Highs-

Chandler got a 96 on TAKS History and a 90 on TAKS Math, yeehaw!

Hayden learned to cook scrambled eggs in his very own special skillet

Two surprising upsets on TV. Both American Idol and Dancing with the Stars were won by two wholesome kids and I couldn't be more pleased. Maybe I'm not as tolerant as I thought but I didn't want the favorite on either show to win...

I discovered a new store: World Market and all I can say is WOW!

I got the big boys Nautica quilts for half off, score!

Hunter actually swam in the pool with his family instead of having his face buried in his I-pod or the X-box

We were able to enjoy a home cooked meal at the table with all family members present four nights in a row, which is a record

Chandler finished driver's ed, now just lots of driving practice remains

Chloe got her first 1st place finish in BMX, go sister!

and now,

The Lows-

one of our fish died, during family dinner no less

our septic is giving us fits again to the tune of $700, ouch

Chloe got kicked off the bus for the remainder of the school year. Apparently it's fun to unscrew bus seats and remove their leather covers. Not to mention seat hopping and throwing paper wads.... all which was captured on the bus-cam

both Chloe and Hayden have grown out of or ripped several items of their dress code clothing. Seriously, there's only four days of school left! Ugghh! They may be wearing the same thing the remainder of the year

I am the victim of a bad cut AND a bad color. To sum it up: I look like an Irish Setter mated with a Chocolate Lab and had some butt ugly mutt puppies which were then groomed by a 3 year old... help me. I am seriously embarrassed to go in public.

The End, I hope... So far the good outweighs the bad but it's only Friday. There's always tomorrow.

Hormotional

I am not even sure where to start... but, I'll give it a try. Pregnancy doesn't really bother me physically, yes the nausea has been bad but I've had severe nausea since my appendix was removed, so I'm used to it. I don't get swollen feet or hands, I don't get backaches, I sleep fine, etc. However, it does affect my moods. Right now, I'm an emotional hormonal basket case. I get so moody, frustrated, bummed out, and pissed off it's pathetic. Everything bugs me. I can't seem to see the bright side of anything. I'm constantly sad. Which all sounds so ridiculous. I mean, HELLO- I am having a baby not getting evicted from my house. I wish I was more happy go lucky, but I don't know how to be. I have bawled so much the past week my eyes look like I've been in more than one bar fight. And, I am letting the silliest things bother me: the kids messy rooms, the dog barking for her food, the no sunshine, not being able to get into a bigger house before the baby, and on and on. And, my biggest gripe: I look like crap, there is no pregnancy glow. My skin is blotchy, I keep getting pimples, and I have major dark circles. I know, I sound like a big whiney butt. I am sorry, but I have to vent to someone and Jon's been at the receiving end one too many times and he's sick of it. So, that's why I haven't been blogging, I am just in one big bad mood. Thank goodness I am 22.5 weeks into it and only have 17.5 more to go, unless I'm lucky and deliver at my 38th week.... here's hoping! And, I just thought I'd throw this out there- I am not looking for sympathy. Just wanted to share. Hopefully I'm not the only one that gets this way while I'm pregnant... Anyway, thanks for listening!

How lazy can one woman be?

Well, the day started out decent enough, I actually woke up before 11. That's the beauty of having older kiddos- they can wake up, get dressed, and have breakfast almost digested before I know what day it is. I had so many plans today, kind of a pre-nesting if you will. I intended to wash and fold every ounce of dirty clothes in the house, I was gonna continue on my picture organization project, we were supposed to go to Home Depot as a family for flowers and pool furniture, not to mention pedicures for me and Chloe. But due to one nasty disagreement by text with my husband, I got like nothing done. Ok, so I watched 5 episodes of True Life on MTV, washed all the dirty clothes, played Jenga and Connect Four with the kids, worked on a 1,000 piece puzzle, and consumed my weight in Crunch~n~Munch. I also got the crap scared out of me by a mouse on our back porch and one heck of a nasty thunderstorm. Wow, I amaze myself... Not really, I didn't even make dinner. Thank you On the Border! Anyway- I am optimistic that tomorrow will be better. And, just because, I have a few pics to show you. I have been having a really hard time getting my computer to download pics and every now and then they all show up... freaky. So, I selected a few just for the heck of it. Happy Soggy Saturday!

A tree by my house that looks like Tyrannosaurus Rex


Hayden and a few of his classmates at this week's field trip


Pedro hanging out in the basket on my bike


Chloe, Reagan, Hayden, and Madison after they made mud pies


Chan, Julie, and Patrick on his 17th birthday (yes, he had a birthday as did Hunter and no I never blogged about it, but I will. Promise.)

just being cautious...

Ok, so for the record these were taken waaayy back in January when Chandler had the mystery virus. But, in light of recent news (swine flu) and to keep things light I thought I'd post them. To be honest I'm more than a little concerned, but I am hoping the media is making a mountain out of a molehill... I am being super diligent about handwashing and disinfecting, just to be sure. How about you? Being just as cautious or do you even know what I'm talking about?? Anyone out there think I am right on track or paranoid? Would love to hear your opinions...

Me, keeping out the germs. At least I hope so...


Hunter, Chloe, and Hayden playing video games in their Michael Jackson masks

OMG- a current photo!

So, I am afraid that cute pics of me are gonna be few and far between until I have this baby and lose 120 million pounds! And, as the picture plainly shows, I look like crap. For some reason my nausea has come back with a vengeance after taking a 2 week vacation. I am currently battling some serious sinus problems- massive headaches, dizziness, drainage. I am swollen. I am complaining. Aren't pregnant chicks supposed to have a pregnancy glow? Where's the second trimester energy I've been hearing about? I am just blah! Sorry... hopefully I'll sweeten up a bit after my sonogram next week.

P.S. baby- please have your legs spread wide open. That is the only time I will ever say that. Love, Mommy

I do solemnly swear-

to blog SOMETHING/ANYTHING before I go to bed tonight. Putting on my thinking cap now.... In the meantime, Happy Spring Break! Oh, and Happy Saint Patrick's Day. I am using today's holiday as an excuse to dress up in a cute green skirt and go out to dinner with the family. Anyway, hope to be "seeing" you soon....

Dear Mother Nature,

I was wondering if you could please stop the rain? It has been far too dreary for two many days and is frankly a little bit depressing. I am ok with rain after 9 pm and before 7 am, but when it's time to get the day going, it's kind of a nuisance. My pool is about to over flow and my dogs DO NOT like to do their "business" when it's raining on their heads. I have cute sundresses and sandals and can't wear them when it's 39 degrees. I am not sure if you realize it, but Spring Break officially starts when school lets out today and I am thinking this rain is not so good for all the activities I have planned. I am grateful for the rain we did get, but I think we are good now. So, could you please raise the temperature about 45 degrees and send out Mr. Sun? Thanks in advance.

Love,
Ashley

Pimple Face

I have been told before that I have nice skin. Of course, I don't see it, I just see the flaws. I will admit that I am lucky in the zit department. I just don't get them very often, but when I do- look out! Well, since I currently have an over abundance of hormones coursing through my body I have been blessed with not one but TWO "undergrounders". You know, the kind of zit that you can't see but you can feel? I am not kidding you I feel like I have been in a bar fight my face hurts so bad. Plus, they seem ten times bigger than they are. And, they're on my chin. Can you say Jay Leno? They have been there for a few days and today I decided I would take off some of the pressure, or in other words- pop them suckers! Big mistake... I briefly recall writhing in pain as I sat on the side of the tub, begging for an epidural. The whole thing is a blur really, it hurt that bad. Now, I am left with two oozy crusty scabs, which look even worse with concealer on. See?


I promise they are worse than this picture shows. Chloe thinks it looks like a spider bite.

writer's block...

Sorry! I really need something GREAT or AWESOME or CUTE to post. I am thinking... bear with me and thanks for checking in! Love you guys!

tummy ache

My tummy is not feeling so hot. I have been up since 3:30 with a terrible stomach ache. After 2 years of near constant stomach aches I have finally started to piece together what kinds of food to avoid. One is salads. A small one is ok, but when I eat a big one like one that would be an entire meal, I am in misery. One of the other culprits: onions. Well, I had a cheese and onion enchilada for dinner... And, this has to be one of the worst ones yet. I am just glad it's dreary today. I fully plan on sleeping this bad boy away. If it was sunny out, I would feel incredibly guilty for being so lazy. And, honestly I think I could handle the pain, if I only knew if I was gonna blow chunks or not. I really feel like sending my tummy a note-

Am I gonna throw up?
Circle
yes or no


P.S. I really wish I still had my appendix. Things were so much simpler then. Read all about it here.

Heaven help me!

I am not sure I can handle this again. Chloe threw up. I am PARANOID about vomit. Especially when it comes out of me. I feel terrible for my children when they throw up, but I feel more terrible for me. I have a MAJOR phobia of vomiting. So much so that I sleep with a bucket or tub next to my bed and even keep one in my car, just in case... I am still hoping and praying that my super mommy immune system will kick in and I will be saved from hurling. I was feeling pretty good about it being a minor episode and then she went and puked again. I have been nauseous since the first time at 7:30 and I made toast and soup for dinner, just in case... Basically I got the worst stomach bug (the Ethan virus) of my entire life when Chan was a baby. It literally took me one month to eat normal food and feel better. I have been traumatized ever since. The one we got last October came close to being just as bad as "the Ethan virus". My mom and I named it that because it was at my step Grandpa Ethan's funeral that we both started feeling sick. Man, it was bad. I don't ever want to feel that way again. So, pray for me. I am completely serious. Thank goodness Jon isn't squeamish about barf and has been helping Chloe. Man I love him.

I have Blogitis

blogitis: noun

An imagined illness. Those afflicted can't find anything interesting to blog about. They are more than likely "stuck in a rut" with their blog. They have probably been just trying to be a good mom by preparing meals and washing clothes and quite possibly attempting to "hit the sack" before 1 a.m. Sometimes an individual with blogitis will start a new post many times, before giving up each and every time by thinking: that post stinks. Often a person with this illness will search through their old pictures even taking new pictures in a desperate attempt to have something, ANYTHING interesting to post. They think they have more readers than they really do who might be getting disappointed with the lack of new content. You must proceed with caution. Don't leave comments asking: "are you ok?" or "c'mon, post something, it's been 2 days" that could cause undue frustration and annoyance. You must bear with the afflicted blogger. Because, in no time that blogger will surely have a new post or some hot new pics that will knock your socks off. Blogitis can strike at any time, sometimes multiple times per month. Don't worry it usually leaves as fast as it comes.

Poor Chandler

So, just the other day I was thinking there was nothing to blog about... and then Chandler got sick. He came home from school Wednesday and he didn't look so hot. Pale, disoriented, thirsty, clammy, weak. He needed help carrying his backpack into the house. I grilled him like nobody's business, trying to figure out what was wrong. He told me he felt pretty bad and that he had collapsed at the end of his workout in athletics. Apparently, the coach is already pushing them hard for next year. He wants another National Championship in football. Anyway, Chan gets the shower going (it's his comfort zone when he's sick) and then I hear him barf at least 3 times, maybe more. At that point I was in a fit of hysterics, vomiting scares me and literally makes my skin crawl. I quickly pass out those sterile blue masks to the kids and start spraying Lysol, just in case. Chan gets out of the shower and into bed. I make dinner as usual and he wants to eat, so I let him. I had made homemade chicken noodle soup/stew stuff and it was bland. Plus, he has an iron stomach, normally. He had already kept down several LARGE glasses of water, so I didn't see any harm in it. And, he did manage to keep dinner down. I kept him home yesterday anyway, just to be on the safe side. Since then, he has been getting an occasional headache, body feels weak, and a scratchy throat, but otherwise seems better. Jon took him to CareNow for me last night (he slept all day) and after three hours he was diagnosed with: a sinus infection. So weird, I still don't know how a sinus infection could have caused him to react that way. Honestly, it's still a mystery to me. I don't know if his school lunch made him sick or if he was experiencing dehydration or heat exhaustion or what?? I am still scratching my head and waiting to see if anyone else gets THE MYSTERY VIRUS.

Blah!

Blah, blah, blah....*






*translation- nothing blog worthy going on at all! Back to the grindstone. Ready for Spring Break. So ready to get our house on the market, I am ready to move and re-decorate. Visited with Kelli's family twice this weekend, that was nice. Just paid the septic guy $500 smackeroos to suck the poo out of our septic tank with his magical giant vacuum (honey wagon). My dogs have their days and nights mixed up. I think my cat's schizophrenic. Chloe and Hunter have grown out of their school uniforms from the beginning of the year, back to the mall I go. So that's about it. I am sure hoping something exciting comes up to blog about soon.

I do have something to blog about....

but I can't!! I REFUSE to blog about my weekend without photos and for some wacky reason I can't get my pictures to upload, so you'll have to wait until it's cooperating. Which may be never... In the meantime here's all I have.

I saw two awesome movies: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Marley and Me. Both were sooo good. I laughed AND cried during both movies.

I dropped my cell phone in Coke. On the way to the movies. I was practically in hysterics because Chan was babysitting. Not that he can't babysit but it was gonna be for over 5 hours. Thankfully everyone survived and I have a new phone. Now, I just need to re-program all my numbers.

I rode the Titan.

I finally got pics to load... see below for our fun-filled family outing!!!