On that depression thing...

*this is long, but please read it all. And, just so you know I could have taken a shower but I decided to blog instead!*

Ok, so I know I said I needed to gather my thoughts before I posted, but I never did. I'm just gonna start typing and hope I don't sound like an idiot. After each of my babies was born I got a little bit blue. It starts as I drive away from the hospital. And, I can only guess it's because the pregnancy is over and all of the attention that was focused on me is now focused on a wrinkly smelly screaming little creature that I am head over heels in love with. Alot of it is exhaustion too. After a week or so I always think I'm in a routine and I have dodged the postpartum depression bullet. But, it rears it's ugly head and the days and nights are a blur and there are lots of tears. By month 3 I am good as new. However, this time it started the minute I found out I was pregnant and got progressively worse as I neared my due date. I knew the minute I found out that I would never be pregnant again and that finality was weighing on me. Because, I love me some babies but I am no Michelle Duggar and I am definitely not Octomom, maybe I'm somewhere in between? Anyway what I am trying to say is, babies are like a drug so to speak. They're intoxicating and soft and amazing and all these wonderful things that outweigh the crying and the poopy diapers and sleepless nights, but you can only have so many. They turn into people, with issues and drama, and stress and I want to be the best mom I can and my plate is full!
Anyways- I was a teeny bit excited and a whole lot scared shi*less. I had never really gotten over being blue when Hayden went off to kindergarten. Plus, I was so nearing freedom with Chan fixing to turn 18 and Hayden able to wipe his own butt and cook his own Kid Cuisines. I was TERRIFIED to have a baby. And, while I admit it was fun to do the whole Surprise! I'm pregnant announcement and belly shots, and buying all new baby goodies and whatnot- deep down I knew I was in for it. Thankfully, I stayed busy with my kids and the pregnancy progressed not too fast, not too slow. Let me stop here and say that during my pregnancy I worked really hard to keep up the facade that I was FINE and EXCITED even though I was sweating nails, often. I was also absolutely THRILLED to have another child, but the dark cloud of postpartum depression constantly loomed over everything.
Fast forward to labor and delivery. The whole time I was in labor I was praying silently in my head that I would dodge the blues. But, guess what? The second they whisked him off to the nursery for his group B strep tests (I was positive, remember?) I almost lost it. Even watching him get his bath an hour later I was standing at the nursery window watching the nurse suds him up and I was trembling and sweating. I really wanted to turn back time at that point. I was in LOVE but I was confused... The first few days home were filled with diaper changes, nursing, naps and endless visitors. I kept waiting for things to feel "normal" again. And, here I am almost 6 months later and guess what? I am a little better than I was that very first day, but not by much. Each day presents different challenges. In the very beginning I would get so frustrated and overwhelmed when Cam would cry. Seeing the laundry and dishes pile up would make me cry even more and my chest ache. Just the day to day of a sorta big family was kicking my butt and stressing me out, BAD! I can't tell you how many times I told Jon that I couldn't do it anymore and if things didn't change I was taking the baby and leaving. What frustrates me most is how I kept getting mad about things like my desk being full of mail or the fact that we had clean but not folded laundry. How silly of me! I have 5 beautiful children and am blessed beyond measure and I am fussing over laundry and unopened mail! But then, there were those same big kids and their fighting and endless stream of activities and school projects. Then, it seemed as if we would ALWAYS need groceries or diapers or milk or something. I'm not even touching on the "I'm a fat, ugly, terrible mom, loser." Or the "I suck at everything, no one loves me, I'm a worthless piece of crap" feelings that were always laughing at me from afar. To top it all off there were days when I felt like WonderWoman. Days when no one fought, homework was done, I cooked a decent dinner and had a chance to shower. I was and am still on a roller coaster ride of emotions. It is not fun. I am trying to feel better though and little things like not sleeping too much, a good long bath, a phone call with a good friend or a much needed scripture verse work wonders. I basically try many many little things each and every day to feel happy and "normal". I hope and pray each day that as soon as I finish nursing for good that my hormones will level out even more and I will feel 100%. I am absolutely GIDDY and BLESSED and in LOVE with my family although Jon and I have seen better days, but I am trying. I am oh so thankful for wise women who have been there both as a shoulder or an ear or those that have experienced the exact same things I am feeling now. I have complete faith in my Heavenly Father that I will get better and this experience is but a blip on my eternal radar and I can only hope that I am learning from this experience each day that passes. For sure makeup and a shower work wonders for me, and simply opening the blinds to let the sun shine in. So, that's it. I am sure I have left out so much, but I hope that at least one person can read this and relate or learn from my experience and if I can help one person in my shoes to smile or feel better then I have accomplished something today. Thanks for reading :)

Crazy... but true!

Today me, Jon, and Camden went to the hospital to see our friend Shawna's new baby. We snuck in past all hospital authority figures since we had a baby with us. With the flu going around lots of places like doctor's offices and hospitals are very strict on visitors. We stayed a little over an hour after which we headed out to grab lunch before we had to get Hayden. We left through the double doors that go in and out of the maternity ward, the same way we came in. Outside of maternity was a little foyer with restrooms and such and then a big waiting area past the foyer. When we were leaving we passed an older woman who was in regular business attire but she had on her hospital ID. She glanced at us, said good afternoon, and proceeded into the maternity area. Jon took the baby, my diaper bag and purse and went to the foyer while I went to wait for the restroom to be available. I hadn't been there a minute when the double maternity doors flew open and the same lady I saw before came rushing out, very frantic. She saw me standing there and proceeded to scan the hallway and foyer area like she was looking for someone. Then she saw me. That's when she started to grill me, and she was puzzled AND worried, you could see it in her face. She asked me why I was there, was I visiting someone, was that my baby, where was the baby at, how old was the baby, etc etc. I looked at her kinda odd and answered all of her questions: I was there to see a friend who just had a baby, yes the other baby was mine, he was 5 weeks old, he was with my husband in the foyer (thank goodness Jon walked into sight at that exact moment) and she was more than welcome to go look at him. I told her he was little (she said she noticed that) but was obviously not brand new. I also told her his circumcision and belly button were all healed up, which no brand new baby would have healed from already. She still looked kinda worried but as I answered her questions she seemed to calm down a bit. And after all was said and done all she said was that she thought maybe their security system that rings an alarm and shuts down every entry/exit door was on the fritz... not an apology or anything. And, while I think it's great that she was aware and doing her job it would have been nice if she had apologized or something!! It was very embarrassing as there were several other people in the foyer as well. When we were walking out I kept expecting security to tackle us or something... Seriously though, I think I'll stay home for a little while longer. Or at least I will steer clear of the maternity/newborn area of all local hospitals.

Crazy times 8

In between flickering power and weather updates, I was able to catch most of Dateline about the octuplets' mom. It is my opinion that she isn't playing with a full deck... She just struck me as odd, as did the whole situation. She stated that she does get food stamps for her family and government money for her autistic son. But, she doesn't consider it welfare... what is it then? She has zero income and plans on living on student loans until she graduates in a year. I am not sure how she plans on finishing school with 14 children! It was also revealed that the first 6 kids were born in just 5 & 1/2 years. Wow! The same guy supplied the sperm and according to her he's a close "friend". And, just to add to the crazy: she denied having plastic surgery. Now, I saw pictures of her online and they even showed pictures of her when the first kid was born and she looks like a different person. I definitely think she might have some weird obsession with Angelina Jolie. From the nose and lips to the houseful of kids. In video footage of her from 6 years ago she even sounds different. The whole thing has me annoyed and scratching my head. Honestly I don't know why I care. It just seems so weird. I don't deny that she loves her children, I just don't know how she's gonna keep up and I feel terrible for the older kids. The interviewer asked one of the kids if she was excited about the babies and she said "no, because my mom's gonna be stressed out all the time." Anyway- opinions, thoughts, discuss. I am curious...

Good Stuff

I am feeling this overwhelming urge to blog, but can't really think of squat to blog about. So, I thought I would do a good stuff list. Little things that make me happy. Enjoy!

1. warm chocolate chip cookies and a cold glass of milk, enough said

2. when the perfect outfit just comes together, one that people notice and one that makes you feel great

3. sleeping with the windows open on a cold night but being warm as toast under a thick goose-down comforter

4. crisp new magazines

5. an awesome book that you can't put down, one that makes you think days after finishing it

6. hitting all the green lights, not getting behind slow drivers, and finding a front row parking space

7. getting a basketful of awesome-ness at Target and spending under $100, doesn't happen very often, but when it does- boo-yah!

8. my babies sleeping... mouths hanging open, covers tangled, hair every which way, little snores here and there, dang I am lucky

9. lunch dates with my hubby

10. soft, warm, squishy babies (Kelli and/or Amy, I need a fix...)

11. Friday afternoons, no homework, pizza for dinner, and just knowing that on Saturday you can sleep in and spend the day with your family

12. a blog post that people can laugh at, sympathize with, or be cheered up by

Ok, so I am feeling all warm and tingly now. I hope you are too. Have a Happy Friday!

Baby Factory

I am sure everyone has heard the news about the woman who had octuplets. Well, did you hear that she already has 6 kids at home? And they are all under the age of 7! I suck at math but I'll give it a shot:

6 + 8 = 14 kids

Words fail me. Seriously. I love my kids and I would take another if Heavenly Father felt there was one that needed to be sent to my family. I feel deep pain for women who can't have children or who have suffered pregnancy loss. And, honestly it's none of my business how a woman gets pregnant. But, I have to think it was incredibly irresponsible for a fertility Doctor to deposit 8 fertilized eggs into this woman's uterus. My mom had 9 over the course of 20 years... This chick is almost to Duggar status! I had read that she is under 30. And that her husband is headed back to Iraq. And, while I am overjoyed at the thought of a soft and cuddly, sweet smelling little miracle from Heaven- I feel very sorry for the mom. I can't even imagine what her life is going to entail from now on.... I am glad that her children are healthy, it just seems abnormal for a woman to carry that many babies. I mean it's rare for a woman to have more than 2, sure it happens. But singleton pregnancies are the norm. I read another article where I think the situation was summed up just right: "Women are not designed to have LITTERS of BABIES. Look at their bodies. They were intended to feed one maybe two at most."

Santa's Lil' Helper

I just received an email that contained a photo of a pretty cute little elf, Jonah Anderson Fain. He has grown so much and is pretty darn squeezable. I can't wait to see him and his cousins tomorrow. We have pretty good genes if I do say so myself...

New Addition

My sister Kelli had her baby today, yay! And, due to her prone to fainting husband/ my brother in law (Bryce), I got to go in the OR during her c-section. I have been there each time she has had her babies and I freaking love it! Awesome experience. I would love to be a Labor and Delivery or NICU nurse, but I really don't wanna go to school. Maybe I could fake it? Anyway, everything went well and he is a little doll. We think he looks alot different than his two brothers, his hair seems lighter and his little face has the same expressions but he looks like his own little self. Of course babies grow so fast he will probably look different tomorrow. Now, for more details: Corgan Kelly Taylor was born at 12:31 p.m, weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz. and was 19 & 3/4 inches long. He makes the cutest little sounds and is totally serious about eating. He is a champion nurser! I just loved holding him and kissing his sweet little face. His brothers are gonna be in love with that little cutie! Of course being a chick, I got a teeny bit baby hungry, especially after seeing the cute clothes in the Mommy and Baby boutique at the hospital. But, it has now passed. Whew! I am in a no more babies phase this week. But, enough about me. Congrats guys! We love y'all!

Corgan Kelly Taylor


Kelli and Corgan


Eating his blankie


Aunt Ashley and Corgan


Sooner dress! How cute is that?


P.S. This is my parent's 28th grandchild!!

His name is Jonah...

What a great day! We just got in from Austin. We are giddy from seeing Amy and Jesse and meeting their new little guy- Jonah. What a cutie!! He is absolutely adorable! He is so tiny, it's like holding a doll. Amy and Jesse are in love and exhausted. Jonah Anderson (last name is being withheld) was born 9/22/08 at 12:30 pm. He weighed 6 pounds and was 19 inches long. See what I mean? He is teeny tiny and perfect. Right now he is a little jaundiced, but otherwise, he is doing great! Amy and Jesse are so cute and I know they are falling more in love with him by the moment. They really make such a cute little family, and I am so happy for them. I got a kick out of seeing my baby sister and her husband, they are parents! And, finally... what you've all been waiting for- PICTURES!! There's a TON of them, you might wanna grab a snack!

Amy, Jesse, and Jonah


Momma Amy and Jonah


Daddy Jesse and Jonah


Jonah!


Jonah!


Jonah Anderson


Jonah doing his impersonation of Frogger


me and Jonah


Chan and Jonah


Hunter and Jonah


Hunter and Jonah


Hayden and Jonah


Chloe and Jonah


Myers children with Amy, Jesse, and Jonah


Hayden and Uncle Jesse


Hunter and Hayden


Chan-Man


P.S. I also took my mom with us. But, we hogged the baby alot! Sorry mom. I do have pictures of mom with Jonah, but my flash caused her to blink and close her eyes several times. I feel so bad. She is going to stay and give A & J some much needed and I am sure appreciated assistance for the next week or so. Love you Mom!

Baby Shower

On Saturday I was lucky enough to get to hang out with a bunch of cool chicks and a couple of sweet little boys. Cristina, a close friend of the family had her little boy Ethan Paul on May 24th. I love showers when baby has already arrived. So fun! I was so glad to be able to see Cristina and her mom and sister. They are amazing people. Although I was only able to stay awhile, it was still fun. Hayden and Chloe were more than ready to leave. They were cranky. Don't they know how fun showers can be? Thanks Grace for the pictures! I can't wait to see y'all again.

me and baby Ethan. I need one of these!
me and Chloe

me and Cris, the baby mama

me, Grace, and Chloe

Me and Kelli

Hayden bored!

Chloe and her Aunt Kelli

Boys - 15, Girls - 12, 1 undecided

I just wanted to congratulate my sister Amy and her husband Jesse. Today they found out that they are expecting a BOY! We are super excited for them. Chloe and I were crossing our fingers for a girl since us girls are pretty outnumbered. But, we'll gladly take a baby boy. We are just happy as could be that this sweet little angel is coming to our family. Now, we are anxiously awaiting for Kelli and Bryce to find out what they are having. These babies are gonna be my parents 27th and 28th grandchildren.... WOW! I am counting the days...

Congrats!

My two little sisters, Kelli and Amy are gonna make me an aunt again! I seriously cannot wait. It's been like 15 months since there was a baby in this family. That is entirely too long. Girls- I am so proud of y'all and I love both of you so much. Now, hurry up and deliver already... Just kidding, but I am anxiously awaiting the newest members of our family.