Poop!

I am a little bit OCD about certain things, one of those being my kids and their personal hygiene. I can't force them to bathe... Ok, I can. But, if they want to smell bad, it's not my problem. Now, Camden has no choice. I bathe him every single day, sometimes twice a day. He seems to smell fresh for 5 minutes each day and then the rest of the day it's baby food or spit up smell, yuck! I have a ritual every time I bathe him too. After I have soaped him up from head to toe (toenails and fingernails with a nail brush too) I rinse him, dry him, Q-tip his ears and nose, powder his bum and then I rub him down with lotion. I did this with all the kids until they were about 18 months. Then, they become such a handful I do what I can to de-funkify them. When they are around 3 or 4 they kinda do their own thing with me or Jon supervising. At 5 they decide they want to shower. And, I know for a fact that they don't use as much soap or shampoo as I would like them to nor do they get all the cracks and crevices like I would want them to either. Which brings me to the point of this post. Today, as I was bathing Camden to go on a lunch date with me and my friends I had a flashback of one such incident when Hayden was 6 or so. We had his yearly checkup one morning and the night before I had him shower. I laid out clean clothes and undies- the whole shebang. I Q-tipped his ears and made sure he was nice and shiny before his doctor appointment. The next morning we were rushing around to get ready and it never occurred to me to do a hygiene inspection. We barely made it on time and before you knew it they called us in for our turn with the cute little Asian female doctor. We got in the room and the doctor was asking me about Hayden's progress with school, his eating habits, and his poopy habits- like did he ever get constipated etc. I of course said no, never. Hayden is my "like clockwork every single day after school go poop kid". She proceeds to do his physical exam and lastly goes to check "his business" and to my horror right there in his Power Ranger underwear was a 3D skid mark... I'm not sure but I think after I died of embarrassment I called my insurance company and requested a PCP change. I mean really? Can't kids feel those in their pants? And, I may be wrong here but it seems to be a trend with little boys. Man was I ever mortified... I'm not really sure why that memory jumped in my head today but it did. I also hope Hayden never decides to read my blog and if he does I hope he keeps his sense of humor intact! And, that goes down in my history of unforgettable you wish they'd never happened moments as a mother.

Totally OK and Not So Fast...

Hey, it's totally ok to:

nurse your baby after feeding him/her baby food. Contrary to popular belief, sweet potatoes and peas ARE good for your areolas!

walk around with a booger on your cheek. You can always blame it on that sweet hug one of your children just gave you and not on the fact that you just sneezed into your elbow. What? You WERE trying to avoid spraying one million snot droplets into the already contaminated air at Walmart.

share a spoon with AND eat after your baby but not your school age children. He suckles at your breast and the memory of his descent from the birth canal is still fresh in your mind, while those older children of yours are entering puberty and they attend public school. Gross!

let your toddler chew on your daily wear flip flops but have a mini heart attack if he/she even thinks about crawling on the floor at the pediatrician's office. The germs on your shoe are from your house (mostly) while the doctor's office floor is germ soup...

dress your kiddos to the nines while you look like something the cat wouldn't even touch with a 10 foot pole let alone drag in.

go 5 days without washing your hair. I did hear the "wet look" might make a comeback, maybe...

resurrect your day old makeup (that you slept in) with a little bit of concealer and fresh makeup. Work it girl!

stick yesterday's clothes in the dryer with a Bounce dryer sheet AFTER you spiff them up with a wet rag first. After all you did look sorta cute and there just might be a dried booger on the sleeve of your shirt.

give your baby an unplugged small electronic to play with while you try to blog... I may or may not have done this. Ok, it was a clock and it was unplugged!

wash 17 loads of laundry in one week but not fold a single sock

Not so fast:

Mom jeans aren't hot- ever! I don't care what InStyle magazine says. They're just goofy and yes they do make you look fat!

If your bra strap is riding up between your shoulder blades it's too small! You either need a new bra or a breast reduction. Hint- bras are cheaper, easier on the eyes and alot less painful!

Never go to bed without brushing your teeth. Trust me. Yes, it has happened to me recently and it was after consuming garlic and cheese. All I have to say is- cat turd breath.

I don't care what you may think- NO ONE'S grass is greener. Please please please take this to heart. I have to tell myself this often. It may seem like your problems are worse than anyone on Earth, but they're not. Everyone has issues, problems, and concerns. They're either mental or much better at hiding crap than you.

Don't rough-house with a freshly bathed or fed baby. He/she will projectile vomit all over you and his/her freshly bathed self. This has happened to me no less than ten times a day the last 7 months and I STILL haven't learned my lesson.

Don't put off knowing what you are going to wear, how long it will take you to get ready and possible traffic jams. You will be late, you always are. Oh wait. That's what I've been meaning to write on my bathroom mirror- sorry :p

And, there you have it. A small sampling of the do's and don'ts of Mommyhood according to Ashley!

Behind the Scenes

I have to THANK my friend Erica for taking such great great pictures of our family for our Christmas cards. At first, she sent me only the best ones but Jon wanted to get all of them, so I begged her for the not so great ones, mainly for laughs. And, boy they didn't disappoint. Erica is just learning photography and wanted some practice with a bigger group and I am broke so I paid her in cookies. The kids did as well as could be expected but were still giant turds much of the time. And, I have proof! Take a look at these bad boys. My kids are boogers but man they are funny and I wouldn't trade any of them and their drama/antics/monkey business/crap for the world!

Dear Santa,

Ok, Santa so I realize that my letter is really late this year. As a matter of fact you may be down the street for all I know... but, I am writing you anyway! I think I have been an ok girl this year, maybe I'm on the "Between Naughty and Nice List"? For sure I have held my tongue MANY times and I always let my husband eat and shower before me even when I'm starving and stinky and Camden is crying. I have also kept my road rage in check. Those are good things right? Not to mention I have kept breastfeeding Camden even though one of my nipples is permanently deformed. There are so many good things I could mention, but since you know EVERYTHING I will save myself the trouble. I am not gonna ask for much, Former Girl Scout's Honor. And really since I got a new Iphone(!!!) I really don't need alot.
So without further delay I would like:

A ginormous bottle of Nair and the courage to actually use it. I haven't been able to shave much lately and I am afraid I am gonna tear my sheets or hurt someone with all of the stubble.

The little Asian man down at the pedicure place to rub my feet every night. My bunions have been killing me lately and Jon isn't as good at foot rubs as the little dude down at the nail salon.

Larger towels. I managed to flash the Direct TV guy yesterday. I screamed. He stared. Not pretty. I am surprised he didn't run away. The least he could have done was offer me a free movie or something.

A pair of contact lenses that can resist sliding down the drain. Or maybe a pair a day for the entire year. Maybe if they hadn't slid down the drain yesterday I would have seen the satellite man before I walked past him naked.

Cheesecake in all flavors from the Cheesecake Factory. I am trying to make my butt look more shapely and I am thinking cheesecake might help.

A giant bib. Camden spits up ALOT and every single time I am without protection, he gets me. He is super fast and I am never ready it seems... and I get barfed on alot. A bib would be great!

A better alarm clock. We oversleep frequently and I am tired of rushing every single morning. Not fun.

For Hayden to be more adventurous in the food department. The kid has eaten the same 15 foods for years and I am sick of them, surely he is too...

For Chloe to stop missing the bus. She misses it about 3 days per week. So. Freaking. Annoying. Especially since Hunter goes to the same school as her and he manages to catch the bus. If I get the above mentioned alarm clock that might help a bunch.

I would also really like it alot if Chandler got a JOB. He really needs a job. The kid will be 18 in 3 short months! Preferably not at a food place but instead a place where he can get a discount (Target!).

For Hunter to cut his dang hair! He reminds me of Shaggy or Johnny Depp's portrayal of Willy Wonka. Johnny is a dollface but his Willy Wonka hairdo is fugly. Bobs aren't cute on boys and the last chick who cut Hunter's hair messed it up bad....

Anway, I think that's about it. If you could fulfill all of my Christmas wishes that would be groovy. If not I'll be ok. Really I have lived with/without the stuff I have asked for and I am ok. And, I have an Iphone so I'll survive!

**Merry Christmas Everyone!

Baby Barf

Ok, so we got an AMAZING new camera and although it's supposed to be mine I haven't had a chance to play with it yet... but Chloe has. When we were out of town for Thanksgiving she was able to capture an all too frequent event in my daily life: Camden spitting up on me!

They're back to where they once belonged...

So... in case you were wondering, I got me a new nursing bra! Woo Hoo, I am sooo happy! I went to Nordstrom on the advice of my sisters and got fitted. Now, I won't lie, it was awkward to have the fitter lady tell me to take off my top... and then have to stand there more nekkid than I am used to under fluorescent lighting. She measured me and came in with a few bras and nada, too small. I felt like I was being squeezed by a boa constrictor. She left and came in with another and as soon as I slipped it on I could hear the angels singing. Honestly, I had forgotten what the girls looked like that close! So, I told her I would take it and she went to the register, put it in a fancy Nordstrom shopping bag, and rang me up. $74 dollars later, I am still a happy woman. It wasn't until I got home that I opened the bag and looked at my new bra and all it's fancy glory. It is silky and beige and oh so lacy and pretty, but very sturdy. The hook on the cups is even fancy- a silk loop! The back hooks look like metal- I am sure they are platinum or something... the brand of the bra is embroidered in cursive on the side and the straps are padded and soft. I am seriously afraid to wear it- ya know spit up, milk etc. I looked at the size AFTER I got home. I won't tell you what it was but I'll give you two hints: it's how old I'll be in 3 years and the 8th letter of the alphabet. Now, I'll leave you alone while you count on your fingers....

Facebook status update rejects

Ashley Anderson Myers-

wonders if the kids would notice if I put breastmilk in their cereal

never thought she'd have crusty old lady heels... but alas it happened

is so glad Camden doesn't complain about her never ending morning breath

would love to go to the bathroom minus the audience, namely a cat and 6 week old baby

can't believe she found a hair that LONG under her armpit!

Dolly Parton eat your heart out...

is hoping that by not shaving my legs I'll stay warmer in winter...

found a Dorito in her bra, but is ok with it since it means she got lunch and so did Camden

smells like spit-up and is totally cool with it

wonders how many times she has flashed her children a breast...

is starting to sympathize with Pigpen from The Peanuts cartoon

thinks her butt is becoming fused to the couch and that she is quite possibly developing a bad case of "Secretary Spread"

Thinks she heard the cat call her Wide-Load

WARNING: Labor Inducer

Here's a picture of Jon's truck.

It's an '04 Harley Davidson edition F-250. Or in another words, more effective than Pitocin. Seriously in about three weeks if the baby still hasn't made an appearance, I am going cruising in this bad boy. Because the last two times I have driven it I have had some pretty intense Braxton Hicks contractions. It might be partly due to the crappy asphalt roads out here in the boonies, but the combination of the two are sure to get labor started. Definitely I won't be driving it again for at least 21 days. He is NOT ALLOWED to be born til after Labor Day.

Awkward!

So, there's this website- Awkward Family Photos. I have looked at it or similar ones before, and man are they ever funny. So, in the spirit of awkward pics I decided to add a few of my own just for fun. Now, I am sure I have many more I could put on but these are already scanned on my computer. Enjoy. Thanks for the blogging idea Jesse! And mom, don't be mad I am not making fun just having fun!

me and my brother Erik with Santa


me and my sisters Kelli and Amy. This was taken the day before my brother went on his mission, the brick wall is my neighbor's house


me, my mom, and Kelli


poster children for McDonald's



one of many birthdays


don't ask.....


me and my high school BFF- Stephen


a random Christmas

You know you're pregnant when...

you plan your lunch while you are eating breakfast

your idea of a good time is a long nap

you sleep with the air conditioner AND two fans blowing on you

one of your favorite snacks is TUMS

you go through more toilet paper than a bra stuffin' 12 year old girl

you never miss dessert

a hot date is with the little Korean man at the pedicure place

your breasts need their own zip code

you cry at commercials

you wish your husband would stop trying to get frisky and just rub your back already

you can spend an entire hour feeling your baby kick

just being cautious...

Ok, so for the record these were taken waaayy back in January when Chandler had the mystery virus. But, in light of recent news (swine flu) and to keep things light I thought I'd post them. To be honest I'm more than a little concerned, but I am hoping the media is making a mountain out of a molehill... I am being super diligent about handwashing and disinfecting, just to be sure. How about you? Being just as cautious or do you even know what I'm talking about?? Anyone out there think I am right on track or paranoid? Would love to hear your opinions...

Me, keeping out the germs. At least I hope so...


Hunter, Chloe, and Hayden playing video games in their Michael Jackson masks

boys will be boys

I found a a piece of paper in Hayden's folder the other day. It contained one paragraph. I am assuming he was answering a question about a story that they had read in class. Here was his response, spelling and all:

David is most like me becaze I brak stuff and pick my bogers and I get puneshst and I make the bathtub full and do football in the house.

Ok, so I really had no reason to post this except I thought it was HILARIOUS! That kid freakin' cracks me up. This morning he told me that our cat Pedro was his biggest fan. All together now- awww. Ok, I am gonna log off now and go cuddle with my baby.

No gas allowed!

I found this funny story on Yahoo news. Thank goodness they don't have this rule in our school district... that I know of.

LAKELAND, Fla. – An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas. The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen was passing gas on the bus Monday to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. The bus driver handed the teen the suspension form the next day.

Polk County school officials said there's no rule against flatulence, but there are rules against causing a disturbance on the bus.

The teen said he wasn't the one passing gas.

Whether he did it or not, he might have gotten off easy. A 13-year-old student at a Stuart school was arrested in November after authorities said he broke wind in class.


P.S. I am just curious- can you really control the level of stench voluntarily? And if so, can someone teach me how?

Yo baby, what's up?

This afternoon I headed to Wal-Mart for groceries. I didn't take a list or a menu plan. I just knew we were thisclose to starving and I needed to get food asap. I got in there and grabbed the stuff I knew we needed like milk, eggs, paper towels, etc. and was drawing a blank on dinner ideas. I had already planned at that point to make sure I had stuff for breakfast, lunch, and snacks for the week and that I would get a weekly menu planned and shop again later. Silly, I know... Anyway, I saw a display of buns and Manwich and voila- we would have sloppy joes. We hadn't had them in at least 5 years, so I figured why not? I grabbed some ground chuck, the buns, and sauce and was headed down the aisle for some dill pickles. I am just about to the pickle section when this short little black guy starts walking towards me with a HUGE grin on his face. He seemed as if he thought he knew me and I could tell by the look on his face that he was gonna talk to me, and boy did he ever.

Little black man- "hey baby, you are gorgeous, what's your name?"

Me- not a peep. I am just flustered, trying to figure out what kind of pickles we want. I slowly start walking away. He is staring straight into my eyes.

Little black man- "hey, what's your name? You sure is pretty."

Me- "gosh, that's really sweet, thanks." I grab my pickles and start walking away. He is next to me.

Little black man- "what is your name? You are fine!"

At this point I am so uncomfortable, my face is burning red and I can't get away fast enough. He asks me my name once more and I say-

Me- "dude, that's sweet of you to say, but I am married with 4 kids."

And then he looked me up and down really slow and said "that's a shame, cause you are gorgeous."

WOW! I was so red and uncomfortable and flustered at that point that I couldn't even think straight. I am wondering if this man was playing with a full deck. He was short and resembled an African American Oompa Loompa. It was just so strange. I mean, was he crazy? I was not looking my best, to say the least... And, he was just so forward. I didn't feel threatened, just puzzled. I am still scratching my head...

P.S. for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of me and how I looked while shopping today.

Oh no!

Jon has some terrible illness (a cold). Basically he is on his death bed. He skipped work, so it must be really bad.... Pray for me- I mean him, so we can both get through this ASAP! Basically I am going to be doing the work of 2 people. I already do anyway, but you know what I mean. It's like having another child. I am off to run errands and will likely stay gone until the kids get home. I want him to be able to rest comfortably, and the moaning is a little much for my ears. Hope y'all have a pleasant Monday, if that's even possible...

P.S. Nyquil works wonders for snoring. Who knew? I suspect it's the large amount of alcohol.... If I didn't think he would become addicted I would suggest it every night!

Wintry Mix

I so wanted today to be a "snow day"... but no such luck. They did do an early dismissal at 2, whoopty doo. All that accomplished was me having to stand in long lines at each school, some of the time OUTSIDE while I waited my turn to sign my kiddos out and show my ID. It was a mad house! Parents everywhere and GERMS! The main office of any school during winter makes my skin crawl, but that's another post.
They only gave us a 30 minute warning, nice huh? And, they neglected to tell us in the message that even though school dismissed at 2, buses would be running from 2:45 til 3:45. Which meant if I didn't get the kids myself I would have been home waiting on the buses, likely a nervous wreck. So, after 1 & 1/2 hours at 4 different schools we headed to Wal-Mart for firewood (sold out) and stuff for dinner. That took less time than the school debacle, we were in and out in 20 minutes! We hadn't been out of the van for 30 seconds when Hunter stood on the mini BMX gate in our front yard and promptly fell on his butt. It was a solid sheet of ice. I've never seen a kid contorted that way before! He just laid there arms and legs splayed out, drink spilled, his bag of jawbreakers busted in the grass and laughed his butt off. We all did. Really I almost wet my pants. The only thing that held me back was the fact that it was below freezing and I didn't want frozen pee on my jeans. We did manage to have a nice dinner: homemade lasagna, salad with my famous Ranch dressing, and garlic bread, yum! It's now 11-ish and I am sitting on my bed with the laptop and a sleeve of Thin Mints. I am refreshing the school closings list every 3 seconds while I listen to the TV. Oh yeah- I am also listening to what sounds like a train in our attic. I thought our heat pump was about to explode, but Jon assured me it's only the attic fans trying to spin but they are too frozen to do their job. Wonderful. Anyway- stay warm and cozy and don't drive if you don't have to. And, cross your fingers that there's no school tomorrow....

Busted!

Today we hung out with family in Rockwall. It was our niece Cadence's birthday party. She got some new goodies for her awesome doll house. Guess who was caught red handed playing with her new dolly furniture?




HUNTER!

It's Electrifying

Ok, now this is funny! Click here for a good laugh!

That darn cat, hairy fish, and a pregnancy scare

Ok, I will first address the pregnancy scare so as not to cause any heart attacks or sodas to be spit at computer screens. I have been on a Fall cleaning frenzy, which I mentioned on here before. I did the master bedroom closet tonight, yay me! Anyway, I have several of those Rubbermaid totes full of keepsakes stored in my closet. I was showing Chloe some cards I have had since I was in elementary school and in this same box of keepsakes I came across a little plastic pouch. In this pouch there were powdered formula samples, old pre-natal vitamin packs, and 2 positive pregnancy tests from when Hayden "came to be". These tests looked pristine, like they were just taken. You would never guess they were almost 8 years old. So, Chloe and I decided to freak Jon out. Too bad we laughed too hard and gave ourselves away. Just the mere mention of pregnancy in this house stops Jon's heart. I sure wish I was a better prankster...
Now, for my other silly stories: today the kids all got their flu shots. And, at their doctor's office there is a giant fish tank. Today it was super dirty, with some funky looking chunks floating in it. Of course Hayden noticed. He told me that he thought one of the fish "coughed up a hairball."
And, speaking of hairballs. Pedro the Cat is a freaking NUT JOB. I dumped out his old cat litter, scrubbed his box, and put fresh litter in it. The second it's full of clean litter he jumps in like he's about to not make it. I kid you not that stupid cat peed a spot the size of a dime. He totally did that to tick me off. I can't stand when the litter is dirty, and I can't stand it even more when he jumps in immediately after I change it. So rude! But really, a dime sized spot of pee. Was that necessary? He couldn't wait?

Excuse me ma'am, are you homeless?

Normally when I run errands I try to spruce up a little bit, I mean I don't wear heels or anything. And, I am most definitely not one of those chicks who looks like they are going clubbing when they are just going to Target. Normal shopping attire: nice top, jeans, flats, makeup, wedding ring, studs. If I have been to lunch with the spousal unit or dinner with the girls, then I might stop at Kroger for milk afterwards and look like a total babe. But, today I wasn't in the mood to mess with it, so I do something I rarely do, I went shopping with a naked face. No wedding ring, no jewelry, dark circles, I think I even had bad breath. Note to self: no more Lean Cuisine Rigatoni. Basically, ever since I was mistaken for a lesbian, I try not to leave my house without "my mud on." I guess it's a self esteem thing, maybe a vanity thing. And of course I ALWAYS think it's a weight thing. For some reason people are more accepting of a nice looking fat chick more so than a sloppy one. Not sure why? Anyway, I hate looking like the poor, lonely, chubby girl who dresses bad and has a cart full of chips and ice cream. Today was especially bad, I got stared at alot. I was so embarrassed! I kept thinking I had a booger or something. I clean up pretty well, I think. I don't even think I look that bad without makeup, but for some reason today I turned heads and not in a good way. It made me feel bad. Why do people stare? Am I the only one this happens to? And, do you wonder what goes through people's minds when they're gawking at you? More important: do you stare? I totally do, but I am smooth enough to not get caught.

For your viewing pleasure, I am including a photo of me taken the moment I came in from shopping. FYI, I NEVER post pics of me looking like this so don't get used to it. Be afraid, be very afraid....






P.S. yes, that is Hayden in the background. I think he was doing Jazzercise along with Spongebob or something??