Take it from me...

Never leave the house without looking in the mirror first. That white shirt with the tan bra might be a tad bit too noticeable. People will stare at your bodacious ta-ta's.

When you are still suffering from a cold, make sure you have kleenex or at the very least one of your kid's socks in the car. If not, you will need it, badly... if you catch my drift. You might discover another use for that see through white shirt.

Take a list to the store, if not you will end up coming home with things like pig ears, M&M's, and the same nail polish you already own.

NEVER eat refried beans and cole slaw on the same day. I'll leave it at that.

It's probably not very smart to drink a 64 ounce ice water less than an hour before bed. In between blowing your nose and peeing every hour, you will get like NO sleep!

Don't leave the bathroom blinds open while you are home alone. Especially if you plan on taking a bath. Otherwise some strange man (the septic dude) might walk by your window on the way to your back yard...

And lastly- when trying to catch a whiff of the lotion you might buy, don't squeeze the bottle too hard. I can almost guarantee you will squirt the same amount of lotion necessary to moisturize one whole leg up your nose.

Good Times

Today is the dreaded "yearly"... and boy am I ever NOT looking forward to it. Really- I have floors to scrub, an upper lip to wax, dog poop to scoop, and you get the picture. He is a nice guy and all. But this is the worst day of every year. Which is precisely why I have been putting it off. I was supposed to go back in October, oops. I think I was shopping for costumes instead or something. So, pray for me, that I don't fart or something. And one thing's for certain: I am sure he will proud of me for losing some weight. Yay! And to think I was dreading going. Gosh, I just realized I have blogged about my OB before. Remember? Go here for that bit of loveliness. Anyway, I hope y'all have a great day! As for me, I am not so sure...

Bonkers!

I could have titled this pet peeves, but I think I did one of those before... Anyway- call me anal or whatever, but there are some things that just annoy me so bad! When you share a house with 5 other people and 3 animals there are bound to be things that irritate you.

I can't stand when the kids use my toothpaste and get the end where the toothpaste comes out all crusty. It takes lots of elbow grease and hot water to get the crust off. When you finally get it clean and go to squirt it on your own toothbrush a giant bubble of water mixed with paste squirts out instead. Gross!

It annoys me to no end when I am putting clothes away in the closets and I encounter empty hangers, mixed in with the clothes no less. Ugghh! I am cool with empty hangers being in the closet, they just need to be grouped at the end of the rod or something...

Why oh why when I am starving and trying to stuff my face with food does my husband start telling me some long drawn out story? I like adult conversation and I want to hear what he's saying. I may even want to respond, but I'm hungry! Just wait til I'm done eating. Never interrupt a foodie trying to eat.

When one of my lovely children (usually Chandler) gets in the shower in the kid's bathroom when I am in the tub in my bathroom and proceeds to use all the hot water. Not sure why that bathroom would dominate the pipes, that is just all sorts of wrong. It's called THE MASTER BATHROOM for a reason...

Without fail at least once a week right when I am about to pass out from exhaustion Jon will go into the bathroom for his nightly "sabbatical". This prevents me from getting ready for bed. Ya know contact removal, brushing teeth with crusty toothpaste, etc. impossible. No, I don't do my business while he's on "sabbatical" we don't have that kind of relationship. What he does in the bathroom is none of my business.

And a few Hall of Famers:

when people stop by unannounced
and
chipped nail polish
and
dogs who bark before 7 for breakfast
and
cats who walk between my feet when I am busy
and
fish who bite my finger when I am dropping in food
and
husbands that snore
and...

Ok, I am done. I just realized I was sounding a bit anal.

Won't need to buy T P for awhile

We got wrapped again. The sad thing is that it happened in just 20 minutes. Jon and Hunter came home from BMX around 11:20 and no toilet paper in sight. Chan comes home at 11:40 and it looks like Winter Wonderland. Whomever did it is much better at wrapping than the last person who papered us. Seriously though- I didn't know people wrapped before midnight. This is the 4th time in recent memory we've been got. Chandler and Hunter both have friends spending the night which equals a bigger cleaning crew. Unless Jon gets to it first...

I have Blogitis

blogitis: noun

An imagined illness. Those afflicted can't find anything interesting to blog about. They are more than likely "stuck in a rut" with their blog. They have probably been just trying to be a good mom by preparing meals and washing clothes and quite possibly attempting to "hit the sack" before 1 a.m. Sometimes an individual with blogitis will start a new post many times, before giving up each and every time by thinking: that post stinks. Often a person with this illness will search through their old pictures even taking new pictures in a desperate attempt to have something, ANYTHING interesting to post. They think they have more readers than they really do who might be getting disappointed with the lack of new content. You must proceed with caution. Don't leave comments asking: "are you ok?" or "c'mon, post something, it's been 2 days" that could cause undue frustration and annoyance. You must bear with the afflicted blogger. Because, in no time that blogger will surely have a new post or some hot new pics that will knock your socks off. Blogitis can strike at any time, sometimes multiple times per month. Don't worry it usually leaves as fast as it comes.

Chloe, Chloe, Chloe

Miss Chloe is so funny and she makes me scratch my head sometimes. This week she has been especially interesting.

The other day she put a load of clothes in the dryer for me and instead of a dryer sheet she put a Swiffer dry cloth in there...

She told me yesterday when we were going to the mall that she was vain. And I told her being vain was not a good thing. She said she knew but she couldn't help it...

Tonight we went to McDonalds for dinner and when we drove into our driveway Jon was waiting on us and she yelled out the window: "hey Shaniqua, hey!!"

Earlier, we had gone to pick up Hunter from the movies. She had on shorts and I went to squeeze her thigh. Just because. And she said: "Stop, I hate when you touch me there..." Which sounded bad enough. Then, I tried again just to tick her off and she farted! I laughed so freaking hard!! Which made her SO MAD! Then she said: "that wasn't me, you know I don't fart." Oh really? Because we were the only ones in the car and I certainly didn't do it.

Word to your Mother

Tonight as I was headed out the door for dog food and laundry soap my sister Kelli texted me. She needed to borrow some folding chairs for her son Fynn's birthday party tomorrow. I said yes I had some and she could borrow them but to remind me. She texted back: remind me to remind you. So, I knew I would forget the chairs unless I had a really good reminder. That is when I remembered that our pantry door is a chalk board, duh. So, as I was leaving I asked Chloe: "hey Clo- can you write bring folding chairs to Kelli's for me on the board?" And, she did. I probably walked by it a hundred times before I understood that she had written literally what I asked. Jon and I must have laughed for 5 solid minutes when we figured it out.

It's Official...

I am no longer as cool as I once was. I almost got sick on the Titan. And, I got dizzy during The Polar Express at the Omni yesterday. I used to have no fear about roller coasters and stuff. But, over the years I have developed slight anxiety over things that used to never have any effect on me. Like when Jon drives the boat fast or being on an elevator. I even got majorly wigged out when we were on the 4th floor in our hotel over Thanksgiving. So, I should have known that the mother of all roller coasters would get to me and it did. I should have known when my friend Erin told me she got dizzy during her last trip to the Omni, but no. I was determined to go see that movie. We left after 40 minutes... So, I am embarrassing myself even more by posting the picture of me on the Titan. Yes, I did try Lamaze breathing as the picture plainly shows and no it didn't work.

everyone else looks cool, while I look retarded....

Hey Santa-

So, I've been good this year... sorta. And, I thought I'd do a blog post of ideas just in case you are still making your list and checking it twice. So, here goes.

I would like in no particular order:

someone to come over and dust at least twice a week. I don't like dusting and I am not good at it.

it would be great if the duster person was a good cook and didn't mind throwing together a few meals once in a while. 'Cause I am not good in the kitchen either, unless you count Lean Cuisine and Kraft Mac~n~Cheese.

a personal trainer. This requires no explanation, you have seen my butt and thighs.

for my boys to learn how to pee in the potty without getting it on the floor, walls, or seat. We have gone over this a million times and nada. Arrgghh!

for Hayden to eat something different once in awhile. He has been eating the same 10 foods for years and frankly I am getting bored preparing them.

for Coco and Daisy to please stop barking before 6 a.m. yes, we know they are hungry but really. I never bark at them when they are sleeping, but I might start.

for Pedro to stop drinking from the faucet while I am washing dishes and standing in front of the toilet after we flush. I PROMISE I will get him the largest bowl ever and constantly keep it filled.

for my hair to grow long and my body to shrink in all the right places...

if someone would HELP ME figure out what to do with all of our socks. We are starting on another ginormous basketful. (duster person are you listening?)

So, Santa- I leave you cookies and stuff and you see to it that I get at least one thing on my list, right? We have a deal or what?

Men vs Women: packing for a trip

Women's idea of packing

clothes and shoes: Simply multiply the amount of days you are gonna be gone
times 2, and voila, you know exactly how many outfits, shoes, and coordinating jewelry items to bring. (This doesn't include family members, which differs for boys and girls, obviously. Same formula can be used for daughters, boys will need enough clothes to last half the days you are gone since they will more than likely not change all that often.)

undies and socks: more than will be necessary, because who wants to be caught in dirty undies in case you get hurt and have to be rushed to the ER. Heaven forbid you have skid marks, them nurses and doctors have probably never seen the likes of that!

towels: beach and bath. There are never enough in the hotel rooms, plus the towels by the pool are usually only 16x16. Barely big enough to dry your butt.

throw blankets and pillows: 1 for each person traveling. Makes the drive more comfy and the sofa bed in your hotel room cozy. The poor soul sleeping on the sofa sleeper will be oh so appreciative.

snacks, drinks, and chocolate. Duh...

camera, laptops, cell phones, navigation system, and chargers for all. And they say men are into electronics. Yeah right.

air freshener and candles. If you are traveling with boys this is a must. Farts and socks seem to ooze from their pores, especially when traveling.

cosmetics, hair dryer, brush, straightening iron, and hairspray. We don't roll out of bed looking this hot!

books, magazines, cards, crayons, DVD player + DVDs, and handheld games. This is for any/all children to remain occupied. This way our husbands can concentrate on the road. Not so we can exceed the number of bags we have already packed. Nice gesture on our part.

toiletries. The ones in the hotel suck. At least at the hotels I can afford. Plus, the bottles are so small you can barely read the directions.

laundry bags. Separate ones for under-things and clothes. This one keeps your luggage smelling fresh. Imagine finally getting home and opening suitcases for unpacking only to be knocked out cold by the odor of dirty clothes. Simply stick it in back of truck, in your car trunk, or on your roof rack. This is so the car stays as fresh as possible.

The largest first aid kit ever created. You never know when someone might have explosive diarrhea. Accompanied by a rash, stuffy nose, migraine, and a cut that's bleeding profusely. You might be thanked later, maybe...

and...

Men's idea of packing

toothbrush

1 change of clothes (1 extra underwear and pair of socks)

the shoes they are wearing

car magazine to read in hotel bathroom (which they will read cover to cover while their family dances outside the door waiting to go pee)

bag of peanuts and gum, in case they get hungry on the drive

1 wallet containing no cash, only an insurance card, debit card, and driver's license

For sure they won't need more clothes, because duh, there are laundromats somewhere along the way. They also won't need a map or navigation system because men never get lost. Forget snacks, there's a McDonald's on almost every corner in America. And on and on.
Men can think up an excuse or reason for everything. So, you see what I mean. Men and women are SO different, and whether they admit it or not; they need us! This post is for every over-packing woman and the men who love them. When your wife busts out the good snacks, your favorite pillow, or a toy to occupy your crying kids, thank her. There is a reason for her madness. So you can drive her and your children safely, be comfortable while doing it and have happy memories of your trip. You're welcome.

P.S. click here for an example of my packing for a recent trip.

Fun and easy ways to stay warm this Winter

With Winter rapidly approaching, I thought I would compile a quick list. A list of simple and cheap ways to keep warm when there's a chill in the air.

Place hot fresh baked potatoes in your pockets. It worked for the Pioneers, why wouldn't it work for us? This also solves the "I'm starving to death" complaint that comes out of your daughter's mouth every single time you run errands. Can also be used as a weapon.

Let one or more of your children fall asleep in your bed. When it's time for you to go to sleep, move your kid to their own bed, and voila- instant warmth when you return. Better yet, you could let your kid sleep with you, which provides a constant flow of heat.

Serve lots of chili. This one speaks for itself. Especially at our house. One pot of chili provides enough warmth for us to turn off the heater altogether.

Place a load of towels in the dryer right before your 60 minute nightly bath. This allows the towels to fully dry in the same amount of time you are bathing. Be prepared to bang on the wall so your spouse can bring you a towel from the dryer. Since, oops you forgot yours. Or, take your cell phone and text him instead.

Run all your TV's at the same time. Sure you're wasting electricity, but just adjust your thermostat a bit and it should balance things out in the power department.

Wait to go potty til after your husband is finished. I know, crazy huh? But, men tend to spend 43 minutes longer than necessary to do their business, which is insane... but the seat will be nice and toasty. You'll need a clothespin and a good air freshener, but at least your butt will be cozy.

Float a bottle of lotion in the tub while you bathe. It will be nice and warm when it's time to moisturize your ashy legs, crusty heels and leathery elbows.

There you have it. Cheap and simple ways to stay warm this Winter. Don't worry, they all work. Tried and tested by me. You're welcome.

Could have used these last year...

Those of you have been reading for awhile remember last year's pre-Christmas fiasco my kiddos pulled. If not, go here and read all about it. It sure would have been nice to have some of these last year. And, I am sure my mom would have appreciated them as well. My brother Erik and I were masters at opening and re-wrapping Christmas gifts. Who thinks of this stuff? Probably some kid who used to do the exact same thing...

P.S. Watch the commercial titled Undercover Kids. It shows the bag and some sneaky kids in action.

Happy Freakin' Halloween

Have a wonderful, safe Halloween. Eat some candy for me!

Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, Prudence, and Oprah-

I need your opinions please. I have a few things on my mind that I need help with:

Is it wrong to feel relieved when your husband runs over a nest of baby mice when he's mowing?

At what age is it appropriate for a girl to get her ears pierced for a second time? What about makeup and shaving?

What curfew should I give my 16 year old son? He gets good grades and is appalled by alcohol and cigarettes.

Is it bad that I take a nap almost every day while my kids are in school? I go to bed at 2 every morning and get up at 6:30, I think I deserve a nap.

What do you think about placing a hamper in the middle of the bedroom floor or near the bed? My husband always drops his dirty clothes there, so I figured maybe the one in the bathroom is not noticeable. Thoughts?

Hamburger Helper for dinner? I say no way, but my husband and son love it.

How long is too long to go without shaving?

I am trying to teach my 6 year old son how to do an "armpit fart" whenever I should be teaching him to tie his shoes. Does this make me a bad mother?

Any advice on how to get a picky eater to be un-picky? I mean this kid will eat his own fingernails but won't touch a P B & J with a ten foot pole.

I think my 12 year old son is addicted to his cell phone. Is this possible? Is there a cure?

What exactly IS toe jam?


Wondering and Confused in Texas

Must have been the extra bun...

Tonight Chloe and I had an interesting conversation. We were discussing bras. The conversation then turned to one of her friends, who had developed quickly. And, let's just say she no longer qualifies for a training bra... Anyway, Chloe told me she asked her friend about her new "figure". And this is their whole coversation:

Chloe: "Dude, what happened? You grew those really fast." (Chloe is so tactful.)

Friend: "I am not sure, I think it's because of all those Big Macs I have been eating."

No, not that hair, and other misconceptions men have about women

Tonight Chloe and I were at Target shopping and we were having a hard time finding hot oil treatments for Chloe's hair. So, I head down the shampoo aisle where this teenage boy and older woman who worked there were straightening shelves. I asked aloud where the hot oil treatments were. (I was directing it at her.) Well, he stands up, hand on hip and proceeds to tell me where to find them. I politely told him that I looked on the 2 hair product aisles and that it wasn't a big deal. But, he kept talking and talking about where I could maybe look. I finally got annoyed and told him we would check at the beauty supply store and to have a good evening. Well, as I am walking away (I am down 3 aisles at this point), he says really loud: "oh, I bet I know where they are. Check the TAMPON aisle." Huh? Like that hair needs hot oil... sounds pretty freakin' un-necessary and painful to me. And, while I am on the subject of men say the darndest things...The other day Hunter called to tell me his friend's mom was going to the hospital to have her baby. And, I was all like really, she's in labor? And he was like no, they are seducing her at 8... and I was all like, you mean induce? And, he was like yeah whatever you call it. And, I was like, I think she was seduced already about nine months ago...

Headed to Beijing

I have been busy training and boy am I tired! I am so shocked I never lost a single pound! Watch me in action! Click here.

That's the best they could do?

We got papered/wrapped/TP'D last night. Not sure what you call it. Whoever did it needs some serious lessons. I need to gather together some people who can do serious damage. Like my friends from Young Women's back when I was a freshman in high school. Our best job ever was at a family's house in our ward, the Adamson's. Some of you may remember them. Anyway, we were at an activity, a YW sleepover. And the YW president took us to Sack -n- Save where we bought 42 rolls of toilet paper and lots of forks and shoe polish. I am sure the clerk had no idea what we were gonna do, wink wink. We covered their front AND backyard with toilet paper. We put shaving cream in the mailbox, 6 pizza boxes were strewn in the yard, we sidewalk chalked the whole driveway, forked the whole yard, and even soaped the windows of their house. Our only problem was we forgot one of the boys worked late at night delivering pizzas and he drove up and caught us. Oh well, it was almost as fun cleaning it as it was doing it. I think however, one of my proudest moments as a wrapper was when I wrapped this really pompous dude's car. We dated a tiny bit and he reeeaaally liked his car. He had a decked out Ford Probe, which in the early 90's was a nice car. But, he thought his shit didn't stink and he needed to be reminded that it indeed did stink. So, my friends and I wrapped his entire car and wet the paper down, so it stuck. We then took photos and had them blown up 8X10 size. He was gifted with it in a lovely wooden frame. Needless to say he was slightly pissed. To the tune of reporting us to the cops. I am determined to find the pics of that incident and I will scan them later today. In the meantime, enjoy a few photos of our yard this morning. FYI, they also tossed a couple of maxi pads on the ground. And, they were MAXI!

Buy Me!

I am a shopaholic! Big surprise huh? But, I am not your run of the mill shopaholic. I am the type who'll see some crazy thing and just have to have it. Not from infomercials, although I have seen things on TV late at night and headed to the "As Seen On TV" section at Target or Walgreens to find that must have item. Sometimes I'll just get an idea that a certain gadget or goody will just make me awesome, cute, more organized, etc. and I go for it. Poor Jon, if he only knew how much money I have spent on doo-dads... There's false eye lashes, a neti pot for my sinuses, the Body Bugg for weight loss, ditto for the Firm system, Crest whitestrips and a dental polisher for my teeth, even an Ipod. I mean how can you not run on the treadmill everyday when you have a pink Ipod? Jon has even done it, one of my gifts this past Christmas was heated lavender scented slippers! Well, in my pursuit of smooth feet, I got a Ped Egg. I would love to be able to afford a live in "pedicure artist" but that ain't happening. So, I am gonna have to do it myself. I will definitely let y'all know how it works! And, for the record: I never thought in a million years I would have dry, crusty heels! Back when I was a kid I would see older women (mid thirties) at church, the store, etc. and they would have some funky feet. I swore I would never have old lady feet.... What happened?

P.S. someone asked in comments, how these products perform. Well, being the strawberry BLONDE that I am, I forgot to include something... that I never really use most of the goodies I buy. Silly huh? I guess I am awesome enough without them, I just like to spend money I don't really need?! I am however fixing to use the Ped Egg.

Please Please Tell Me Now!

Why:

is toothpaste so flippin' hard to clean off the sink? That stuff gets hard quick!

your blankets feel like they weigh 500 pounds when you are half asleep and trying to get covered up and comfortable again?

my house gets dusty 2 hours after I dust?

boys can't make it into that giant bowlful of water when they pee?

I sneeze every time I put on mascara?

someone spills something on the floor within 1 hour of me mopping?

the groceries fit in the cart when you shop, but the moment they are bagged and paid for you need another cart to get them to your car?

me and Jon can eat the same thing and only I gain weight?

is it easier to hear when you close your eyes? Or easier to see something when you tell everyone to be quiet?

does one kleenex turn into 1 million fairy sized kleenexes when you accidentally put them in the washer and dryer?

and the top two why's of all time.... why won't men ask for directions and why do people think it's ok to stop by un-announced? Feel free to leave your why's under comments. I'm sure there are many more.... I just don't have time to post them all. Someone needs to wash the kleenex around here.