The BIGGEST Loser

There are many people who read my blog who only know me how I look now. Sure they've seen me without makeup and I have short hair now, but one thing has remained constant: my size. And they will tell me "you look good, have you lost weight?" or "you're so pretty, no one notices your weight." Baloney! I have struggled with low self esteem for a long time and the worst thing anyone could have ever told me was that I was attractive. Sounds silly I know. I had heard it from my family and husband of course, but about 10 years ago (which is how long I've been overweight) a couple of people I worked with told me I was beautiful. Back when I was a size 12 and Chloe was a newborn. Of course back then I thought I was huge. What I wouldn't give to be a 12 again. Anyway, hearing that made me feel great. But it has done far more harm than good. It made me think, if I'm so pretty, maybe people won't notice that I'm fat. Just pile on the make-up and jewelry and don another Lane Bryant original and no one will be able to tell that I'm chubby. So, I have never really worked hard enough to lose weight. Which sucks. Today I started thinking about it, and the majority of people I know, hang around with, and even people I am related to (by marriage) have only ever seen me heavy. So, when I am down 3 pounds to them I do look better. Sad huh? The worst part of all is that my 3 youngest kids have only ever had a fat mommy. That hurts me more than anything. They have been teased about it and I know it bugs them, but they love me anyway. Let me assure everyone: I put on a good facade, but I detest being fat. I have sworn I wouldn't be fat for people's weddings, holidays, when the new school year started, or whenever a reunion would roll around. I am afraid to get in elevators, travel trailers, or even planes because I am afraid I am too fat. Forget roller coasters. Cute clothes and boots are off the list too. All of that let alone my health should be reason enough. But, I can't seem to stay focused. I definitely want to be thin and healthy, especially for my children. I have worked with a trainer off and on for almost 2 years, and while I am down by about 12 pounds and some odd number of inches, I am still obese. I desperately want to get down to the size I was when I met Jon, about a 6/8. For all of you out there who haven't known me that long, I was thin once. Believe it or not. There is a thin girl inside. Sadly enough, I don't realize how big I am until I see myself in a store mirror or window. I never thought in a million years that I would look this way. Poor Jon, we have been together 13 years and he's only had a thin wife for 3 of those. I have done Weight Watchers, exercised, starved myself (I only lasted 3 hours), had an ulcer (I lost 60 that way), you name it I've done it. I have even done serious research on weight loss surgery. Although there are days I feel as if I'll be fat forever, I have confidence that I will eventually get healthy and fit again or die trying. I am sorry to post such heavy stuff, no pun intented. Thinking about my kids only seeing me fat really got the wheels in my head rolling today. I feel like I really need to address and take care of this situation once and for all. I truly hope it's the kick in the pants I need. And for those of you who are only a little bit overweight imagine how it feels to be 120 pounds over your ideal weight. How people stare and assume you are lazy. So not true. Sure I have lazy moments, but with 4 kids they are few and far between. They won't let me be lazy. I sure hope I can accomplish my weight loss goals and see my kids grow up. Thanks alot for listening.
*PS* Just a little FYI: I have tried out for the Biggest Loser twice and never made it....